Something I made for Ben's birthday to help him in his next marathon.
Note this is not actually "The" Ian Sharman.
A GUIDE TO MARATHON AWESOMENESS
By Ian Sharman
Hi I’m Ian Sharman, but you can call be Sir Awesomealot. You may remember me from such classics as “Sir Awesomeness slays the Racoon”, “Ian Sharmanates the Luton 3” and my less known classic “When in Rome…”
I’m here today to show you how to achieve Marathon greatness by staying focused and avoiding the common mistakes made by your peers. Let me tell you, I’ve seen some dicks in my time.
I will then will give you a mile by mile guide of how to run a sub 2.50 marathon, and I should know, I have run over 27 of them, often in a silly costume.
I shall conclude by mocking your efforts whatever the outcome.
Firstly, here are some common pit-falls that have beset some of your Serpie Colleagues.
Bampfishing – Not being able to compete in the marathon because of a faulty boiler at home. Ensure all of your plumbing is insured and serviced within 2 months of marathon day.
Taylording – Banging on and on about how you are going win, magnified by power of 10 stalking only to be overtaken by a girl on race day. Avoid power of 10, it’s gay.
Copasing (Level 1) – Setting out too fast and blowing up. One minute you look as if you are miles ahead and the next you are being trodden on my the competition.
Copasing (Level 2) – Going the wrong way. This is almost impossible in a busy city road marathon but it has been known to happen 3 times in the UK in the past few years. To the same guy. What are the odds?
Copasing (Meltdown) – A combination of Level 1 and Level 2 Copasing result in a meltdown where you have to get escorted from the course on a stretcher. The photos of this disaster will be uploaded onto Facebook and make you look like an idiot forever.
Theoing – Shoes generally come in two varieties; Left and Right. The way to tell is to place them side by side on the ground. They should curve toward each other. If they curve in the same direction then you have made a mistake. Remember to take one of each to the race, preferable both being the same brand.
Wilcoxing – Generally running like a twat. Avoid
Paynusing – Running around with a headband because you have girl’s hair.
Westawaying – Slightly stupider than a Theoing, turning up to the event without any shoes to run in.
Braleying – Demanding your own private portloo in someone’s house. This just eats into your time and you have to remember their address to send them an apology.
Hooing – Deciding after 20 miles that you can’t be arsed anymore and getting a cab. Call Argent Taxi’s on 01789 294436
Centibelling – Wear comfy shoes to avoid the agony of de feat. Don’t start off too fast, it will be better in the long run, don’t create a scene in the Shakespeare marathon or you may be bard.
OK, obviously I don’t mean “The” Marathon, that one is way too hard for you. Perhaps if you run this marathon well you may be able to tackle “The” Marathon. Maybe.
OK, you are at the start line. It looks busy doesn’t it? These people around you are the enemy. They are to be destroyed at all costs. Psyche out your opposition early on by;
- Doing some really weird stretches that no one has ever seen before
- Putting your Garmin around your ankle
- Going up to people and saying “well obviously you know who I am, what is your name?”
- Gregorian Chanting
First few miles – You should take these easy, remember the test is whether you can hold a conversation. Try this – run alongside another runner and say “yes I am well trained for this event, I intend to take this easy and jog 2.45 averaging 6.20 minute miles with my heart rate averaging 120 beats per minute and my cadence staying at 90 so to prove my awesomeness”. If you can say all that without struggling then you have got the correct pace. Also they will get bored and run off too fast and will blow up. More meat for later…
Mile 5 – You should be soaking up the occasion. The crowd will be full of useful wisdom such as “keep going”. I can’t imagine being able to run without being reminded of that every 36 seconds. Also if you are wearing your Serpie top you will no doubt come across many people shouting “Do you know James Adams?” Ignore these people, they are idiots.
Mile 7.2 – Congratulations, you have just run 3 parks. Only 19 miles to go. Sounds easy when you put it like that doesn’t it? No? Bugger. Now you’ve got it stuck in your head and can’t get it out can you? Shit, 19 miles is a long way. OK, try some simple visualisation techniques to get you out of this slump.
Mile 8 – Imagine you have just jogged back to the Seymour Centre. You float down the corridors and enter a room that smells of cheese. Let the smell of cheese carry you on.
Mile 9 – You enter a room full of naked men. One of them is drying his nuts in the hair dryer. Another is flossing his vigorously with a towel.
Mile 10 – You are now in the shower. You are cleansing yourself of all the pain that running has caused. Feel uplifted by the lemony smell of your body getting massaged by the water. Don’t look at the guy who is breaking all the rules by bending down and touching his toes in the shower. Try not to think about it too much. Seriously stop it.
Mile 13.1 – Half way there. Whooo Whoah, livin on a prayer. SING IT
Mile 16 – This is when it starts to get hard now. Your body has switched from carb burning to fat burning , or to put it more scientifically it has gone from burning Jelly Babies to burning Kebabs. Bet you wished you’d followed the Adams diet now.
Mile 19 – Only three parks to go. Repeat all that visualisation from earlier.
Mile 23 – You can relax in the knowledge that if I was running this marathon I would have finished by now.
Mile 25 – Seems to take longer to some doesn’t it? Don’t worry. By now I would have completed 2 interviews, had a recovery drink and emailed my result and race report to the Serpies website. I would also have updated facebook to say that I ran in an awesome time without really trying very hard.
Mile 26 – In the olden days you would have reached the finish line by now, but because of some fat lazy King of England in 1908 an extra 385 yards were added to the distance so he did not have to get off his fat arse to cheer the winners of the race. By the time you have thought of all this though you will have run those 385 yards and finished the race.
26.2 – The most important thing to remember here is that you should completely ruin your finisher’s photo by faffing with your Garmin. DO NOT look ahead, smile, wave your arms in the air in victory as this may add 1.3 seconds to your watch time.
So there you have it. How to run an awesome marathon. Hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed being awesome. Remember if everything falls apart then you can always become one of those “it’s the taking part that counts” people.