The Butcher of Pimlico

Today for the first time since the race I said out loud “I wish I hadn’t of done it now”. At the time Roberto  “The Butcher of Pimlico” was grating his elbow downward along my left hamstring. The pain was more intense and less transient than I remember, and for some reason today I booked a double session.

The alarm bells should have rung as soon as he said “I’ve been waiting for this all summer”.  It’s true I have not been here for 3 months, skipping my fortnightly session of moderate pain for daily 12 hour sessions of moderate pain.

It started well, Roberto saying “ohhhhh, look how thin you are, it’s going to make it much easier to get to the muscle” shortly before getting to the muscle which seems to be wired directly to my howling reflex.

I am debating whether or not to get fat again. I am currently 74kg, down from 84 pre-race and no doubt this is much healthier and may even help me to run faster. However there are lots of drawbacks, I will need to buy new clothes, I now have the alcohol tolerance of a triathlete and today I discover that sports massage really really hurts. It hurt quite a bit before, was all that fat shielding me from even more pain. I think those are three good reasons to treat myself to a Big Mac brunch.

I cannot believe Roberto has yet to play a Bond villain, he’d be perfect. I can just imagine James Bond checking in at a hotel and going for a massage, Roberto pinning him to the couch while they exchange pleasantries “Ahhhhh, Mr Bond I suspect you may have ruptured your gluteus piriformis”, while digging his elbows in and reaching for his massage tool that is also a deadly razor. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll get to the bottom of it” replies Bond while scanning the room and deciding that the best escape would be to flip the bed over, kick the razor so it sticks to the ceiling and then tying him legs and arms akimbo with his own stash of surgical tape and as he leaves the room looks at Roberto and quips “You always were a big fan of stretching”.

Anyhoo, I digress which is probably a good thing as just thinking about it hurts. That has to be the most painful session I have ever had. I have a few sore points from the race, my left hip hurts, back aches a bit, shins still sore. I think Gemma must have told him all of these things as he seemed to seek them out with the kind of ease that I could sniff a McDonalds with in the summer. I was hugging the pillow expecting it to bring me comfort like a teddy bear but to no avail so I started biting it instead. Warning to those who may be seeing Roberto after me, most of that pillow has been in my mouth now.

Everything hurt. Even things I thought were OK really hurt when he plunged his elbows in. Having gone up and down my left leg many times inflicting pain there was a brief moment of relief when he stopped until I realised that I have another leg. The pain started all over again.

Every flash of pain seemed to take me back to some place in the States where that bit hurt before. Not only is he causing actual pain but he is also making me relive old pain. This just does not seem fair. I tried my usual mental tactics to get me out of this but they would not work.  Sitting by the sea or standing in the club room looking at my map did not seem to help me out here. I even tried the most effective distraction I know – I started blogging about this experience in my head.

And so I might as well write it all here. I yelled at some stage “is there any part of me that isn’t completely knackered” to which Roberto replied “I don’t know, maybe the feet” and then he dug his fingers in and I had a laughing fit (it was still really painful).

Anyway, you get the idea. I feel better now though, hopefully things will start to loosen up soon so I can run again.

I might get roped into doing a 5k on Saturday, that will be funny. I doubt I can go under 30 minutes but will have a go. Also I may have found the next ultra.

I think next year I am going to try to avoid roads completely. And the sun.