A Guide to Domestic Bliss

You know the old saying “A women’s work is never done”? It’s a bit dated I know and thankfully as a society we have moved on and no one give a shit anymore about whether that apostrophe is really needed. Well I have been pondering this in the few days that I have been left without “the woman” to “do” the work that is so important. I have learned a few things that I think can make it better.

Cutting out the middle man

We sure do like our bureaucracy. Layers and layers of unnecessary complication fraudulently claiming to enhance our lives. I have decided to make a few redundancies in the flat. I could claim these cuts are in the name of austerity but in actual fact it’s just getting rid of the fucking useless.

The Washing Basket – I wear clothes. I take of clothes. I put clothes in washing machine. When washing machine id full of clothes I turn washing machine on. How difficult is that? Why are we dedicating 3 square feet of space in the bedroom for this smug wicker jobsworth?
And if you are going to say “what about wool” then I say you should just not buy clothes made out of stupid.

Plates – I run home. There are two near certainties when I get home. 1 – I will require a sandwich and 2 – I will have something in the post. I open the post and then make the sandwich on the envelope. Simple


The toilet seat. I thought the “neutral” position for the toilet was for one seat (the hollow one) to be down. So anyone who needs to do a sit down toilet can and guys can lift the bottom seat if they are worried their aim is a bit Emile Heskey. This is fair. But no, I am told to put BOTH seats down. The justification is as follows
“That way everyone has to lift something”.
So let me get this straight. By putting both seats down we are creating MORE work for ourselves now so that at some point in the future we have MORE work to do? This is the stupidest thing ever. Imagine what we could have done with all that collective time spent faffing around with toilet seats and nearly pissing ourselves? We could be exploring galaxies, curing cancer or dicking about on facebook.

Curtains – I won’t labour this one. If it’s dark when I leave the house and dark when I get home then who the hell benefits if I open the fucking curtains????

Money is time

We have a water filter. It’s great. For just £12 a filter you can prevent your £7 kettle from getting fucked. 17 filters in the last 5 years and the kettle is still going strong. Bargain.

Standby – A TV on standby uses 0.4watts of power. Times this by seconds in a day and days in a year you get 3000 calories.
Getting off my arse to go and switch it off properly (including mental distress) over the course of the year costs about 5000 calories.
It is actually better FOR EARTH for me to leave the bloody thing on standby.
Plus the electricity charges for those 3000 calories will be about £5. The cost of replacing those calories is about 10 big macs (£25.40). If you can’t do the math then all I can say is “yes I’ll have fries with that”.

Pissing in the shower, goes without saying

Inconvenience shopping

I don’t really know what to do about this one. When shopping for stuff I have to go on a journey. I head down along the windy canal to a busy market where I fight off zombie hipsters to buy coffee. I then traverse this sea of c**t to get to the other side and head to the spice shop to buy stuff I can’t pronounce. Then I confuse myself about how to squeeze fresh fruit and vegetables to make it look like I know what the fuck I am doing. Then I head to a butchers where a guy with a meat cleaver intimidates me into buying a chump of cow. I feel like the chump.

If only all of this could be brought under one roof? If only there was some sort of …. I don’t know….. omni-market? mega market?

Well – I can dream…..