The year in numbers

I know most of you like pointless stats. So here are some of mine this year.

Total Miles Run - 5110

Total time running - 1086 hours (6 weeks 3 days 6 hours)

Total Time Working - 480 hours approx

Running Related Hospitalisations - 2 (New Mexico and Bletchley)

PB's - 2 (45 miles and 5k)

States of the USA run through - 13

States of the USA defecated on - 14

Calories Burned Running - More than half a million

Which Equates to- 1000 Big Macs (USA), 1100 Big Macs (UK), 2750 pints of beer, 7.1 tonnes of Celery, John Prescott.

Shoes - 15 pairs

Hottest Temperature run in - 47C

Highest Humidity - 99%

Highest Weight - 86kg (Ealing January)

Lowest Weight - 71kg (New York August)

Weight Now - Closer to Ealing

Times visited an Ambulance - Once (to get some paracetemol for a headache I got while watching a triathlon)

Average Heart Rate - F**K Knows.

Words of book written so far - 90000 (Just landed in California)

#

Friends made - Too many to count but you know who you all are

Continents left - 6

Expected DNF's in 2012 - 1

Pointless Exercise

This week for the first time in my life I did an activity called "spinning". It's like that dream I sometimes get where I am trying to run to somewhere not too far infront of me but for some reason it's like I am running in water and I am not getting anywhere at all. This is probably some subconscious metaphor for something in my life. Anyway, it's just like  that except you are on a bike and to make it a challenge you have to listen to shit music while you do it.

I only found myself doing this because I was late turning up to the club and missed the runs. Dressed to brave the freezing outdoor weather I instead went into the cycling room and decided to try an embarass myself trying this spinning thing that all the cool people seem to be talking about.

To get you in the mood for furious pedalling some shite is pumped out of a speaker. I don't know whether it's called "Garage" or "House" or whatever but at this stage I thought the harder I work the more my ears fill with fluid and hence the more bearable the noise becomes.

The lady taking the session warned us that she had already taken 3 sessions today and was unlikely to be putting in the effort that we were. I was sweating quite a lot and looking at the clock. I like running, particularly from point to point because it feels like there is a point. Here I was sat looking at a clock with no finish point in mind, just watching a clock tick down while I slowly saturated myself in sweat.

Then somehow the music got worse. I believe this genre is called "R&B" which used to stand for "Rhythym and Blues" but now stands for "Stupid halfwit banging on about the tedious details of his tedius life". The pace slowed, I assumed to give us time to reflect on the profoundly thought-proving poetry that was now oozing out of the speakers, gold such as "I was driving down the street to find something to eat, then I saw a bee and it flew into a tree, the tree was green, you know what I mean, Yeah".

But luckily it was getting to the end of the session. I was warm and sweaty but not really tired. I imagined being outdoors running towards the end of the 7 mile run I'd normally be doing tonight and looking forward to a few pints and a burger that such activity would earn. I think in this instance I was due a lime soda and a rice cracker.

Then the music took a turn for the better. At it was near the end we had the smoochy romantic classic "Lady in Red". The Boys and Girls then got up and went to bikes at opposite end of the room while just looking across at each other.

45 minutes it was done. That's the least I have travelled in 45 minutes in my life. I was a bit gutted that I could not do something more fun that night like run and to commiserate I had more to drink than I usually do, proving that cycling makes you fat.

I don't think it will catch on.

Tweet

Sacrificing Virgins

So. I had not really got my race schedule sorted yet for next year. I really don't know what to do as there is so much on now. Loads of stuff going on the in the UK with the Centurion Running 100 milers on the Thames, North Downs Way and South Downs Way. The "Ultra Trail South West" 100 miler on the brutal coastaline of Cornwall and more recently the announcement of the "Relentless", a 30 day 1600 mile run around every county in England. Or the Dragons Back race, or the SPINE. For the first time ever I feel overwhelmed by choice and that is before even leaving this country.

Further afield there are some other races I want to do. I need to knock off the UTMB but would much rather run (walk/crawl) the Tor De Geants, 200 miles in the same area. The Donkey Run 135 mile run in Cyprus sounds harder than Badwater. A 100 miler in Andorra apparently makes the UTMB feel like Norfolk and of course the Spartathlon, a race I will always want to go back to.

And I still want to do so much in the USA, putting my name in the hat for all the 100 milers and just seeing where that gets me. Western States, Hardrock, Leadville, Wasatch.

WHAT DO I DO???? Photo coutesty of Matt Mahoney http://www.mattmahoney.net/barkley/ (There is no official website of the race)

Well, before I signed up for anything I sent an email to a crazy guy who organises a ridiculous race in the Frozen Head National Park in Tennessee. It's on my list. It's the Barkley 100. I was instructed a while ago to send an email in November to put myself in the hat for the race. I did this on November 1st, worried that I would sound a bit too keen I awaited the response.

And it came within 24 hours. An email that started with the words "commiserations" and then went on to tell me that I was one of two people who had emailed him on the 1st Novemeber and hence got a place in the race. The Americans will find out sometime after Christmas whether they got in.

So what is it about this race? It does not claim to be the toughest there is but this is the opinion of all those who have tried (and mostly failed) to complete it. It has a 1.5% finish rate over the past 20 years, with 10 out of about 600 people completing the five laps. The race was inspired by an incident where a guy escaped from a nearby prison and was found 55 hour later about 8 miles away. The race director said he could do 100 miles in that time. In 20 years not many people have done that.

So what makes it so tough? How can 100 miles be so difficult to finish in a 60 hour cut-off? I just can't imagine myself but clearly there is something (or lots of things) that prevent so many great runners finishing this. A few things it could be;

• The 20 mile lap is apparently more like 25 miles. I am not sure whether it has been properly GPS'ed and such devices are banned anyway
• The elevation is over 50000ft. It's like going up Everest and down again twice. The UTMB is less than 30000ft. There do not seem to be consistent and long ups and downs like in Hardrock or UTMB, it is just constantly up and down
• The trail. There isn't one. You are fighting through trees and points.
• Navigation. There is lots of it. I can only hope I can tag on to some guys who have done a loop or two before so I at least stand a chance.

But realistically I might not even finish one lap. Lot of people are saying I am wasting my money (The entry fee is $1.60) by flying out there to run what could be 3 miles of tree climbing and do come back with a DNF. A DNF is almost guaranteed in this. The guys who have finished this before are not only mentally invincible and resilient but they are also bloody good distance runners with records for long distance trails and wins at Hardrock and all that. My pedestrian amble across the States and a couple of middle of the pack Spartathlon finishes will probably make me the baby of the event. It's a feeling I've felt before, like at my first GUCR, my first Spartathlon and in LA.

But I think I've done enough now to at least give this a shot. I did not have to submit an essay to do this (as the US based runners do) but mine was simply going to read "I've finished most of these so called "hardest" races in the world and it's getting boring". If I get 3 miles in, break my leg tripping over a tree root and then spend 20 hours trying to find my way back to the starting area then at least it would make a great story. And that's the most important thing isn't it?

So I better get some hill training done and hope that my reason for being accepted is not to be the "Sacrificial Virgin".

The Big Mac Index

This is how I think now..

We were in a restaurant last night. Bit of a posh affair. The price of the meal was pretty steep. You may have detected from my blog that I am not really into fine foods. All I can think of it the £/Cal ratio.

And so on paying for this I worked out how many Big-Macs I could buy for the same price (about 100 in the USA) and then how many calories they would contain (540 each in the USA gives me 54000 calories to burn). At around 100 calories per mile I could get over 500 miles done. Or as I see it the width of Algeria, or Columbia, Spain or Poland. I could run from the Red sea to the Gulf of Oman, across India (in the middle) or get most of Japan or New Zealand done. I could do Oklahoma again?

I think the actual calorific value of this meal would have just about got me across Leicester.

Anyway.

It's been a while since I have written anything here. I thought I'd just blather on regardless. It's funny how my motivation for running has disappeared since I got back from the USA and in turn I have little to write about which then perpetuates the cycle of indifference. I am not too worried about taking a break from it all but I have pretty much put the two stone back on that I lost running across the States.

I had a vision that when I finished this race I'd be in the shape of my life and ready to continue running forever. Instead I am a bit broken and still tired from the effort. No more Ultras this year but really looking forward to next year.

About a month on returning I ran the Oxford Half Marathon, I fell apart after about 7 miles and hobbled in with a really sore groin. I figured it was not a good idea to attempt the Spartathlon a week later but I went out there anyway to support all the Brits who were doing it. It was an amazing experience and I learned so much more about the race and have made that the big one for next year*. I have so many races I want to do next year that I am going to be unable to fit timewise, moneywise and bodywise.

I ran the Leicester Marathon in just over 4 hours, again falling apart after about 7 miles and having to hobble the rest. That one hurt. Last week I did the wonderful Greensands Marathon (my favouritemarathon in the UK) and had a really nice mimble around the lovely course. However it was the first time I have run on hills for about 6 months and one week later I still can't walk properly.

I have so much to do now. I am working on the book. I am working on a presentation that I am going to give to a few groups of people and I am actually working, in a job now too. Scary stuff but I guess something has to pay for the Big-Macs. The book writing is going OK though I have not even looked at the America bit yet. I have not even read the blog yet. I'm a bit scared.

Since writing this I have heard about another silly race that goes through every English county in October, 1600 miles in a month. Sounds interesting.

And I've never run in Worcestershire before..

I'm famous now - You Know

Have not written anything here for a while even though I have lots in draft. Anyhoo here is my interview with Martin Yelling at Marathontalk.

I did not realise just how much I say "you know".

http://www.marathontalk.com/podcast/episode_93_james_adams.php

What I learned running the Spartathlon

My experience of this race is fairly insignificant in comparison to lots of people you will meet out there. I have started twice and finished twice and though my authority on such a race would be negligible in comparison to those who may have finished ten times (or even DNF’ed a lot too) I figure I at least have something to say.

This is more some thoughts for the race day. It’s not a “training guide”, I assume that everyone at the start line is capable of running 153 miles.

This is a very simple race, it’s just a lot of miles on road. It does not claim to be the longest, hottest, hilliest, highest, coldest, wettest or deadliest out there but based on lots of reports from ultra-runners who have done all the races making these claims the Spartathlon certainly ranks up there with the hardest races in the world.

Around 40 miles inWhy? Well the obvious answer would be the cut-offs. 36 hours does not leave much room for faffing around, for taking it easy, for allowing for any mistakes. You have to run 6 back to back 6 hour marathons to get this finished. The cut-offs obviously a massive factor in what makes this race so hard but I think the actual difficulty is more subtle than that. I think what puts many people out of this race is that the cut-offs incite panic. The cut-offs are harsh for sure but I think many people end up dropping from this race because the panic over the timings causes them to run like idiots.

The cut-off for the first marathon is 4.45. Unless you are planning on winning you really should not be more than an hour inside this time at this stage. The problem is you get here and say “shit – I am only half an hour inside the cut-off, I must now run like hell to get more time for the 50 mile cut-off”. This leads to many runners just burning out in the first 50 and having not a lot left for the small matter of the last 103 miles.

The cut-off for the 50 mile stage is 9.30, which itself is quite fast and beyond many people on it’s own. If the times were divided evenly for the whole 153 then this cut-off should be something like 11.45. I think the reason is to get people off the busy roads and into the countryside before it gets too late and dark. You don’t need to be way ahead of the cut-offs at this stage, there is plenty of time in the next 50 to chip away at them.

The first year I did this I got to the 50 in 7.37, the fastest 50 miles I have ever done. Though I felt quite good at the time I was made to pay for this speed later on as my body fell apart, particularly in the last 50. The next year I did it I got there in about 8.30, nearly an hour slower but I was in so much better shape physically that I ended up finishing over 2 hours quicker.

So in summary, don’t run like an idiot.

Anyway, I laboured the above quite a bit as I believe based on being in this race twice that what I have described is the single biggest reason of DNFing, not the cut-offs themselves but the panic they create. DON’T PANIC.

One more thing. Don’t obsess about your times from checkpoint to checkpoint. All of the 75 checkpoints have displays saying when it closes and this means that you can calculate easily how far you are ahead of the cull. It also means that you will be able to rate each section in terms of how much time you have gained or lost. My advice would be not to do this as it really messes with your head. I realise this is like saying “Don’t think about polar bears”. Just don’t look at your watch every time.

The Race

First 50

Be careful at the start. From the Acropolis it is downhill on cobbles and in a crowd. You certainly do not want to twist an ankle with 152.9 miles to go, that would hurt a lot.

The first few miles are through the busy streets of Athens but the police do a fantastic job of stopping the traffic so that the runners can pass through. Most road crossings will have the police there to stop traffic and wave you across. The first two checkpoints are pretty far apart.

Once you are out of the centre of Athens you are treated to some quite ugly industrial parks and refineries and such. As the day warms up this can get a bit suffocating. After about 40 miles you are running along the coast and this is lovely, a couple of inclines in there. The 2 miles before the first major checkpoint at Hellas is another busy grim road but after that it’s lovely.

I’d say don’t spend too long at Hellas Can though I always do. There are lots of places to sit, there are usually at least 30 runners and their supporters there hanging around eating and resting. You will find the atmosphere change immediately here, from busy roads to really quiet and windy paths through olive fields.

If you can stick with the Brazilian runners, their support teams are a very nice visual distraction : )

The second 50

From 80-115k are gently uphill so don’t worry too much about slowing down, remember that the cut-off you have just made for 50 was quite tight and now they ease up a bit. As the sun sets you’ll pass through some lovely little villages where the people really come out and support. I recommend eating the proper food they put on (rice, soup etc) the rest tends to be, dry biscuits and fruit.

There will be kids asking for autographs. Sign then it will make you feel better. Not all of them though there can be quite a lot. Maybe get a stamp or do what Wayne Rooney does and just put an “X”.

It gets dark at seven, exactly 12 hours after the start (it is this that allowed Heroditus to estimate that it took Phiddipides 36 hours to complete this, from sunrise to sunset the next day). It goes down quickly behind the mountains that will now surround you. Be ready with your lights and stuff as it gets very dark.

It can get windy and cold too (and rain is very common too). Bin Bags are very effective for keep the rain out and giving a little warmth while being disposable. Consider putting them in each of your drop bags as they were few and far between last year.

There is a section along a dirt path. If it rains this becomes quite hard but otherwise the path is very good.

Shortly before the mountain there are about 2 miles of slow slogging uphill. I find this is a perfect opportunity to walk, eat, drink coffee etc. Consider leaving some food in a drop bag in CP 46.

CP47 (MOUNTAIN BASE) is brilliant, particularly if you are British. This is run by a team of Brits who go crazy when they see a fellow countryman. There are beds where you can have a massage (or sleep but I would not recommend that).

Don't look at your watch...The Mountain

This is one of most wonderful parts of any race I have ever done. It’s up there with the left turn on the canal or the McDonalds in Lone Pine or Washington Bridge. Take your time and enjoy.

It is a scramble to get up the thing but having pounded your legs on 100 miles of road it actually can feel like a break. It is so well lit up you can’t go wrong. It gets cold at the top though but I recommend just taking a minute to look behind you at what you have done. The villages are still lit up with the action of the race.

Be careful going down. I ruined myself the first year, it really hurt. The path down is quite easy but in the dark and with 100 miles in you it’s easy to trip over. Inevitably you might find that both up and down there is a lot of overtaking, you may pass people or they may pass you. Don’t think too much about this, the mountain goats will obviously fly up the hill faster but they might be slow on the road again. I always lose positions on the mountain (first year I lost about 40, second year I think just 2).

The Last 50ish

After the downhill things are generally up again. It’s similar to the second 50 except towards the end the road gets very busy. Try not to sit down especially now as it’s so hard to get back up again. At this stage you may start losing time on the cut-offs but try not to think about this too much if you are sufficiently ahead.

Not much more to say other than the finish is pretty special : )

Drop Bags and Carrying stuff

Most important thing to remember here is to do your own thing. First year I did this I only intended on having 5 drop bags but saw others putting 20 or more down. On seeing this I thought “I must be wrong then” and at the last minute changed my mind and had 20 drop bags. Come the race I hardly touched most of them and got confused as to where they were. The following year I only had 5 and that worked perfectly (apart from my own error of not putting the head lights early enough).

Do your own thing and don’t change it at the last minute just because others are doing differently. DON’T PANIC

I carried a bottle belt with small storage space last year which worked well for me. Some reports say it’s unnecessary to carry such things but it is a matter of personal preference. You don’t need to carry much water as there is lots along the way but I did like having something to carry my phone, electrolytes and lube in. I’d say about half the runners there will carry something like this with them.

Try to clearly mark your drop bags. The people on the stations are generally very good at spotting you and handing you your bag. Also be prepared not to get stuff back. Again they are very good at returning stuff generally but sometimes labels come off or things fall out. Everything that is picked up in the race will go back to Athens where you collect your things and if it not marked it will be in a miscellaneous pile.

I don’t really have much to say on what to put in the bags. If you have specific food requirements (all the checkpoints have crisps, dried fruit, sweets, toast, yoghurt tea and coffee - Some of the bigger ones have great hot food which you should take advantage of) then you may need lots of drop bags. You will obviously need lights at night, also another layer for the night as it does get cold. Waterproofs depending on the forecast (or bin bags). I have put another pair of shoes in just after the mountain both years I have done it and that worked well. Socks are a good idea too especially if it will rain.  

Spare hats/shades/suncream etc for the next day. I forgot a hat last year but luckily there was no sun. In the event of sun I was going to trade my head torch for a hat with some kid but it never came to that.

Right, only a week to go so I will finally publish this. I soooo want to run this year but will probably not. Enjoy.

Some race reports

Lisa Bliss

Rune Larsson "How to run the Spartathlon"

John Foden "Time spent at refreshment stations"

John Tyszkiewicz

Brits Newsletter 2010

Brits Newsletter 2009

Robin Harvie Telegraph Article

The Butcher of Pimlico

Today for the first time since the race I said out loud “I wish I hadn’t of done it now”. At the time Roberto  “The Butcher of Pimlico” was grating his elbow downward along my left hamstring. The pain was more intense and less transient than I remember, and for some reason today I booked a double session.

The alarm bells should have rung as soon as he said “I’ve been waiting for this all summer”.  It’s true I have not been here for 3 months, skipping my fortnightly session of moderate pain for daily 12 hour sessions of moderate pain.

It started well, Roberto saying “ohhhhh, look how thin you are, it’s going to make it much easier to get to the muscle” shortly before getting to the muscle which seems to be wired directly to my howling reflex.

I am debating whether or not to get fat again. I am currently 74kg, down from 84 pre-race and no doubt this is much healthier and may even help me to run faster. However there are lots of drawbacks, I will need to buy new clothes, I now have the alcohol tolerance of a triathlete and today I discover that sports massage really really hurts. It hurt quite a bit before, was all that fat shielding me from even more pain. I think those are three good reasons to treat myself to a Big Mac brunch.

I cannot believe Roberto has yet to play a Bond villain, he’d be perfect. I can just imagine James Bond checking in at a hotel and going for a massage, Roberto pinning him to the couch while they exchange pleasantries “Ahhhhh, Mr Bond I suspect you may have ruptured your gluteus piriformis”, while digging his elbows in and reaching for his massage tool that is also a deadly razor. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll get to the bottom of it” replies Bond while scanning the room and deciding that the best escape would be to flip the bed over, kick the razor so it sticks to the ceiling and then tying him legs and arms akimbo with his own stash of surgical tape and as he leaves the room looks at Roberto and quips “You always were a big fan of stretching”.

Anyhoo, I digress which is probably a good thing as just thinking about it hurts. That has to be the most painful session I have ever had. I have a few sore points from the race, my left hip hurts, back aches a bit, shins still sore. I think Gemma must have told him all of these things as he seemed to seek them out with the kind of ease that I could sniff a McDonalds with in the summer. I was hugging the pillow expecting it to bring me comfort like a teddy bear but to no avail so I started biting it instead. Warning to those who may be seeing Roberto after me, most of that pillow has been in my mouth now.

Everything hurt. Even things I thought were OK really hurt when he plunged his elbows in. Having gone up and down my left leg many times inflicting pain there was a brief moment of relief when he stopped until I realised that I have another leg. The pain started all over again.

Every flash of pain seemed to take me back to some place in the States where that bit hurt before. Not only is he causing actual pain but he is also making me relive old pain. This just does not seem fair. I tried my usual mental tactics to get me out of this but they would not work.  Sitting by the sea or standing in the club room looking at my map did not seem to help me out here. I even tried the most effective distraction I know – I started blogging about this experience in my head.

And so I might as well write it all here. I yelled at some stage “is there any part of me that isn’t completely knackered” to which Roberto replied “I don’t know, maybe the feet” and then he dug his fingers in and I had a laughing fit (it was still really painful).

Anyway, you get the idea. I feel better now though, hopefully things will start to loosen up soon so I can run again.

I might get roped into doing a 5k on Saturday, that will be funny. I doubt I can go under 30 minutes but will have a go. Also I may have found the next ultra.

http://thespinerace.com/

I think next year I am going to try to avoid roads completely. And the sun.

Summer League 10k and silly relay

I did a 10k yesterday. Didn't really intend to but as Gemma was part of organising it I figured I had to. Sometimes I like to rate the races I run in terms of Big Mac Meals required to replace the calories burned. I don't think this would even count as one. Maybe if I replaced the fries with apple slices and the coke with diet water. What's the point of that?

We were in Dulwich Park with a good 40 Serpies and loads of others from other running clubs. I still don't really get all the leagues, there are so many it's confusing. Why can't they all just unite and become a seamless single organisation like FIFA? Sepp Blatter would have a few good ideas I am sure.

This was the first race for ages that I wore a watch and did not take a phone. I am still getting to grips with it. I could not figure out how to reset the stop watch so it was useless for me in this run. It tells me the temperature, the weather forecast, when the tide is coming in and what shape the moon will be. Unlike modern sportswatches it also tells me the time which is a bonus.

The course was three laps, mostly outside the park of around 2 miles each. It got quite crowded in the first few roads and a few blind corners meant collisions were a risk. That all went fine though except that not far later a girl in front of me fell over, she was running so fast she bounced on the floor. A fellow team mate stopped and apparently she was OK and finished. Phew.

First lap done, not sure about the time but I still had 3 hours on the tide and 4 days until the moon was due to be a whole circle, which was a relief.

It spaced out and I tried to keep Andrew Scheer in sight while trying to put out of my mind the fact that I needed the toilet. Going for a crap in a public park is something I have done before. Doing it in a 10k however us a little embarrassing.

At the end of the second lap I got a wonderful "Keep Going" from Gemma which was very welcome because with 2 miles to go I was about to stop and quit. With motivational gold like that how could I even think about stopping?

I was running just in front of a local guy called Spencer who was getting support from all the marshalls, supporters, runners, bakers, butchers, postmen and dogs along the route.

I finished in about 42.30, some way off my pb of (I think) 39.26. I have long since given up on getting anywhere near a 10k pb again but I was happy with that, didn't feel too unconfortable and was fast enough.

At the end of these races there is a relay of teams of 4 or 6 running a 400m loop of a field. They are great to watch, the mens was really competitive and the Serpies only just won. The Women's followed and then there are mixed races involving adults and children. These are quite funny as you see grown ups straining to beat the kids and quite often the kids will win.

Without warning I was pushed onto the startline as we were going to enter another mixed team. Just because I had yet to change out of my running gear made me a fair target I guess. I was asked "do you have a team together?" The answer was no but I looked round and Jen insisted that they will have a team together by the time I get round. "But what if I go too fast?" I asked. There wasn't much response to that.

I lined up against two people who were still in their school years. I clocked the taller lanky teenage boy on my right as probably being way faster than me but was not too sure about the girl on my left. My legs had turned to jelly already before the start as I considered my options. I could taunt her? "You know that Santa does not exist right?" or perhaps "By the time you get to university you'll have to sell your legs to fund it?" or maybe"You were adopted". Cruel, but I did feel anxious about getting beaten by a little girl in front of my whole club.

Off we went and the jelly legs make no attempt to solidify and help me run but I made them struggle on nonetheless. The boy raced ahead and looked quite comfortable over the distance. The girl was someway behind which was a relief. I don't mind getting chicked (it happens quite a bit nowadays) I just don't want it to be by someone who spends the rest of her time pining for Justin Beiber.

When I finished I needed to lie down. I was done. I don't even get the urgent need to lie down after running for 24+ hours in the way I did here. I lay down on the grass and some others in my team ran around as well and I have no idea whether we won or not. 400m is a silly distance. It's unnatural. 

So that was the last race before I head out to the States, unless I do the club championship mile. So long as there are no kids there.

Grand Union Canal Run - Supporting and following the best race in the UK

Friday evening JANY - Before she told me she hated me

Claire and I got the train up to Birmingham arriving at 4. I thought it would be a good idea to get there early so that there was less rushing and faffing in the evening so that we could get to bed early for an early start on Saturday. Claire was bouncing around with her usual nervous excitement as we annoyed the person sat opposite us with our inane running talk.

At 5 the registration opened at the central Travelodge in Brum where I got to meet some people who I had not seen for a while. Later many of us went to the Pub opposite and gorged on proper ultra running food such as mixed grills and fish and chips. I tried not to drink too much as it was a 5am start for me the next day.

I saw Rajeev Patel for the first time since Sparta last year, Neil Bryant, Paul Woodyat, Allan Rumbles, Pat Robbins, Stu Shipperly and met Lindley (who had only been told 2 weeks before he had a place and frantically pull together a support crew), Mike Blamires and Dino Ilaria. The music was too loud to have a proper ultra running conversation about blisters and defication but we shouted this stuff across the table nonetheless.

Saturday 

4.45AM - Annoyingly I woke up before my alarm as usual and I got up and shoved all my stuff into a bag. I was not running so did not have to go through the usual, coffee, shit, food, shit, get dressed, lube up, shit again (if you are lucky) then try to lube again. It was nice not to have to do all that.

5.30  -  We arrived at Gas Street where the runners had started to assemble. I met Drew and his friend Andy who was going to help we crew Drew for the first day. By help I mean do all of the driving, navigating and everything useful. I was just there to mix the occasional drink and say silly things to Drew. I saw lots of people I had not seen for a while and it would have been nice to catch up with everyone they were obviosuly distracted with the task ahead.

5.57 - Dick usually says some words before the start. Last year he mentioned a runner whose life was saved by the GUCR. He was running, had some problems and went to hospital. He was fine in that respect but he got scanned and had a tumour. If he had not gone to hospital then he may never have realised and it would have got a lot worse. Dick calls this his "one in the bank" in terms of people dying on the event. I loved the dry humour of it but Dick made a plea about pain killers. "Yes they take the pain but leave the killer". He warned against people taking too much. There have been a few stories recently about runners taking way too much and doing their kidneys in. Wise words.

6.00 - The start horn went and off went 92 starters, a record I think. Bruce Moore sprinted off into the lead as the other 91 casually formed a queue behind him. 

Jim Binks6.20 - Andy and I started to queue outside a drive through McDonalds that was not open till 6.30. A sausage and egg McMuffin and coffee got us up nicely.

7.30 - We were first to meet Drew at 9.7 miles.Bruce was still in the lead and Martin was 2nd. Most of the known faster runners were still in the middle of the pack. We had made up his drinks and came out with a tub full of snacks and forgot to bring the cake he was after. He came through in a sensible time of around 1.40.I got to see most people as the race had not spread out too much yet. Martin Illiot (who casually started the race half an hour late with Lawrence last year) just stopped to have a chat. It was great to see him and we spoke about crossing America, a feat Martin has done solo. I waited for Rajeev to appear in his wonderfully bright clothing. He was full of life as always.

8.30 - Around 14 miles in we pitched up again and managed to forget the salt. We were learning one stop at a time how we were screwing up.

9.00 - We arrived at Hatton Locks, the 23 mile point and were not expecting to see Drew here till around 10am. Andy and I went for another coffee in a little canalside cafe and were amazed to see Bruce and Martin come through in not much more than 3 hours. Matt Giles (a previous winner) was 3rd and looking like he was serious about a good time.

Hatton was an official checkpoint and we pitched up a bit further down to get stuff ready for Drew. Claire Shelley's support team of Alex and Gemma were there too along with many others. I was part of the race organisation last year and was taking people's numbers down at this checkpoint and was amazed at how fast some people came to this point and how knackered they often looked. Last year it was raining quite heavily but this year the weather was perfect. Drew came through around the same time as Claire and the bulk of the runners. We managed to forget to tell Drew how far till be see him again.

SO, when crewing, always have cake, salt every 2 hours and know how far to the next meeting point so that you can tell your runner.

Jany came through looking like she was really enjoying the canal so far.

11.00 - Next to another pub on a bit of canal I did not recognise from before we stopped and I took some photos while we waited for Drew, still running near Claire. At this point we did not know who was leading anymore as they had already gone through. OUr plan was to now meet drew every 5 miles or so to refil his water, his weird blue energy drink and to keep him eating. So far so good. At 27.4 miles Drew had done more than a marathon. I was going to encourage him by saying this and that no one had ever run further than a marathon before but I forgot. I am really shit at crewing. Pat Robbins, 15 miles in and about 58329593th place as usual

Noonish - Stockton Bridge was at around 35 miles with a nice pub that was about to open. There were lots of crews here, including Matt, Pete, Brent and Marianna who were supporting Jany. We remembered the salt this time. Getting the hang of it.

1.20PM - At around 40 miles we witnessed our first ultra-strop. No one I knew but it was funny to watch. Won't mention any names but it involved an iPod (or lack of) and some throwing stuff around and swearing.

2.00PM - Braustone locks, 44 miles. This is a really lovely part of the canal, in fact the whole canal is nice except for the bits in London and Milton Keynes. There is a branch here that goes to Oxford and has to be avoided by the runners. Fortunately Claire and Drew did and there was no issue. The rest of us stopped in a nice canal boat cafe drinking coffee while it rained heavy for about 5 minutes. All of the meeting points given to us by the organisers were brilliant, each had a car park, usually a pub and was easy to find and get out onto the canal.

The great thing about this point is that there are mile markers from here on in counting up from zero. All you have to do is add 44 to them.

4.00  - Heart of England Checkpoint around 53 miles. Andy and I had now been joined by Drew's parents who gave us a little break so that we could go to the pub and get some lunch. I wasn't that hungry as I was working my way through Drew's stash of food. He makes great sandwiches and the Ginsters steak slice was good too. As this was a proper checkpoint I got to see who was leading. Matt Giles was just ahead of Craig Stewart (setting records in the Country to Capital and Thames Trot this year). Both had gone through in just under 9 hours. Martin Bacon and Bruce had dropped back to 3rd and 4th, Pat had now moved up to 9th. Drew and Claire came in around 10 hours.

5.00 - Gayton Junction 58 miles. We were now meeting Drew more regularly and here we met Steve Gordon who lived nearby. It was great to see him and we caught a sight of Vicky who was still leading and some others. Drew looked like he was suffering a little at this point, not sure why he had only been running for 11 hours.

5.30 - Blissworth Tunnel 62 miles. The canal goes underground and there is a 1.5 mile section of road for the runners to travel. This was where Andy was going to be leaving us and Drew's cousin Emma and her boyfriend Ant were taking over for the night shift. I was going to stick with Emma and Ant and run through the night with Drew. Both he and Claire arrived at 5.30, Drew pciked up a potato salad and was going to eat it while walking up the road. The rest of us bungled everything from one car to the other then caught Drew and a few others on the road on our way to the lovely town of Stoke Bruerne.

6.15 - Stoke Bruerne - 65 miles. Drew's Mum was telling me about the history of this place. It was the only canalside hospital and this is where all canal babies were born. It looks really pretty and there is a museum and a load of nice pubs here. On a good day it's really alive with people. From this point buddy runners are allowed and Fiona joined Claire to give Drew a break from the yapping :)

44 miles in. Just at this number to 44. How hard can it be?7.30 Galleon Bridge 72 miles HALFWAY - As Claire was still near Drew the support crews were too. Gemma and Alex had recently been joined by Tim, Laura and James who were helping through the night. We were here quite a while and got to see more people, Neil Bryant was still looking really good. There was a major checkpoint at 70 miles at navigation bridge but support crews were not allowed to go there. Probably just as well as there are a lot of drop-outs there. Drew and Claire came through together again with about 13.30 hours on the clock, on track for a great time.

8.20 - Proud Perch - 76 miles. Rob Treadwell and his wife Jan had now joined Claire's team "Team Tigger" and Rob was going to run through the night with Claire. She had done well to recruit Rob with all his experience and amazing sub 30 time last year. It was still light and I was going to hold off until it was dark to run with Drew.

9.20 - Peartree Bridge - 80 miles I was getting calls from Jany's crew that she was really suffering. She was a little way back but got through Navigation Bridge with more than 2 hours to spare which was loads of time, another 27 hours to do the second half. I hoped she could just walk it off during the night and start again the next morning.

10.20 - Water Eaton - 84 miles. This is another official checkpoint and I got to see that Matt Giles was still in the lead by an hour and that Pat was in Third (Craig Second but flagging). It was hard to imagine even Pat catching up to Matt at this stage but we knew it was going to be an interesting one. Drew and Claire had worked their way up the rankings and I think were just outside the top 10 now.

One of the best things I heard this weekend was Pat's response when he was told at CP6 that he was over an hour behind. He said "well I'm inside my own record time". I comepletely does his own thing with this race, ignoring all others, starting in the middle of the pack and working his way through. He told me that if someone came and smashed the record he'd be the first to congratulate them. It's a shame he is not doing the Spartathlon this year as I'd really like to see what he could do there.

It was getting dark and this was where headtorches had to go on and I was going to start with Drew. He was suffering with a bad stomach now and slowing. Rob started with Claire and they ran off while Drew was reduced to a slower shuffle. That was the last time we saw Claire.

I ran behind Drew and let him set the pace he wanted to run. This was fine by me and I stayed a few meters back and talked crap. Though I had not run at all today I did feel tired as I had gotten up at 5 and did not sleep well the night before. I was really pleased to be running though and it would help me stay awake during the night.

This section of canal is the ugliest section outside of London. Winding through Milton Keynes there are a lot of large road bridges with the wonderful aroma of piss and shit, lots of industrial estates and drunks out on the canal. At around 11 the wheels started to come off quite badly. Drew was dry-retching and unable to move much because of his stomach. A few miles back I was getting texts that Jany too was struggling more with her stomach. I sent her a text of encouragement and got a reply "I hate you and I want to swap guts". That's the first time anyone has ever expressed interest in my guts. However hard I try.

Sunday

Midnight - Before running into Leighton Buzzard, the 90 mile point I had a call from Jany that she had quit the race. It was really hard for me to find things to say to her, I tried to convince her to take half an hour and sleep in the car then get walking and see it through till the sun comes up and then decide. I think I almost had her, but then one of her crew came into the car and said they have phoned her in to say she wes pulling out. I was really gutted for her but on the phone it's hard to really tell how someone is. She seemed relieved that it was all over for her today which meant it was a good call.

The Left Turn :)Just before Leighton Buzzard Drew stopped running and had to walk, his stomach was bad and the retching was worse. For the last few hours he had not been taking enough calories which was causing him to be quite wobbly. We got to 90 miles behind when we were expecting and Drew sat down for a while, cleaned his teeth and composed himself. It was going to be a long night for Drew.

The race had been won before by people walking the night, lots do this anyway. He maintained a good 4mph march for most of it but several times had to slow to a stroll or lie down. His heart rate was very high and he'd often feel like overcooking. He was sick several times but determined not to quit. Phil Smith caught up with us around here, waving a hand torch around like a light sabre. It was good to see him, he is a very good runner too and has done this race 3 times before.

I tried as best I could to take Drew's mind off it with inane drivel. He was making a lot of man-noises like GAAHHHH, ARRGGGHHH and BRRRRRRR. I remarked that as soon as a bloke is paired up he loses his right to make a noise for no reason whatsoever. If a man wants to make a noise then he should be able to without an inquisition which usually comes from any female in the room. "What's that about then? What's wrong? Are you still hungry? is this about my Mother?" I was encouraging Drew to make any noises he wanted to without having to explain himself and he was. GRRRRRRRRR.

We also concluded that celery is theoretically pointless, unless you are using it to clean your teeth or dip hummous into.

We went through another decent patch of doing about 4mph for a couple of miles but shortly before Tring and the 100 mile point he had to slow a fair bit. He was determined to get to Tring before 3 which he did.

2.40AM - Grand Junction Arms - 99.6 miles - Drew sat down for a little while. Claire was now an hour ahead and looking like she was overtaking a lot of the field. There are a lot of locks heading up to Tring and a turning that goes to Wendover if you are not careful. Phil Smith went down here briefly despite out protests that he was going the wrong way. This is another low point of the race, not quite 100 miles but most runners are exhausted. Add to this the complete darkness. Most people would have been up for 24 hours by now.

Ant and Emma were there to help Drew with some tea. I sat down too and inspected the list of the runners who has already gone through. I think there were only 12 of them.

The next 5 miles or more are pretty hard in the dark. The section between Tring and Berkhamstead is surrounded by trees and feels like running in a tunnel. It's easy to get hallucinations here or feel trapped. It reminded me of my post race hallucination in Canada which I told him about. Dick Kearn immediately regrets giving the priceless lamp to the worlds clumsiest runner

I was in the hotel the day after finishing a 300k 6 day race. I wasn't sleeping well and woke up and thought I was still in the race. I didn't panic but knew I was lost, it was pitch black and I had no idea where to go so I just waited. I sat on the end of the bed and thought "they must know I am out here and they will come and find me". A few moments passed and then I realised, "shit, I am only wearing pants". My heart stated to race as I realised the future embarrassment of being rescued from a race in the forest wearing only my pants. Perhaps they will only screen the story in Canada? No one at home needs to know. Then after a few more minutes after some light finally entered my eyes I realised that I had already finished the race and was in a hotel. I went back to sleep.

SO in the dark and claustrophobic surroundings of the canal near Tring I thought it could be much worse. We could just be in our pants.

There was another stop where I had a look at facebook to discover that Matt Giles had dropped from the race and Pat was now in the lead. Drew had jumped up a place. Not sure how much he appreciated that though.

4.30 - Berkhampstead - 103 miles. Day broke. Drew was at the stage where everything looks like a bed. Grass, benches, gardens, trees, walls and rubbish skips; they are all there just waiting to be slept on. There were a few moments during the night where he had to lie down. I was really tired too. We sat down again on a bench near Berkhampstead station where Drew asked for the car to be brought here so he could lie down in it.

It didn't occur to me right away how silly this request sounded. They were about 3 miles down the canal waiting. By the time they get here we could have walked halfway there. He agreed after a minute and got straight up and went again. I called Emma to ask whether she wanted to run with Drew for a while. I said it might be good to have a change of person and Emma was more likely to give him more kicks up the arse than I was. In reality I wanted her to take over because I was fucking exhausted.

It was around 108 miles when Emma took over. I had done about 24 miles in 7 hours with Drew. Ant and Emma were doing a great job of going to all the stops, about 3 miles apart. I got into the car with Ant and tried to sleep but did not manage more than a very small nap. A few miles down the road we stopped and waited, I was awake again but very tired still. I got to see some of the others out doing the race. I saw Richard Webster who I met last year in the UTMB and ran the Frostbite 50 with this year. He was looking in good spirits with Phil Howells and Ed Chapman supporting him. Phil Smith was plodding along as usual and Helen Smith was saying she was hating it (she loves hills and such). I bet she was loving it though. 

10.00 Springwell Locks - 120 miles Ant and I went ahead to Springwell Locks, the 120 mile point and were expecting Drew in about an hour. During this hour I got to see the same people again as well as Bob Brown who I'd met earlier in the year who won the Trans US race in 2004. Bob is such a nice and understated guy, you'd never know to talk to him about his achievements. He has won this race before, set some of the fastest times and done all sorts of things. He was out of practice at running for a few years he said, his longest run recently being 8 miles. He was still on for a great time though. He does not even look like a runner. I said to Drew that he looks like a guy who just decided to take up running one day and just threw on a load of stuff that might do the job. Tracksuit bottoms, shell jacket, shoes that did not even look like running shoes. Amazing. It was really good to see him.

Drew did not spend long in Springwell Locks which I was really pleased with. I wanted to run with him again so started from here. Not much further in we heard reports that Pat had won the race in an astonishing 25.37, taking nearly an hour of his own record. There are so many people at this race who could earn the title "nicest guy in the world" and Pat is one of those. He waits at the finish for the others to complete their race and appears to be a completely normal guy in the pub before the race. His focus and complete disregard for what kind of race others are running makes him quite unique. He does not get panicked into running with the leaders from the start or breaking from his run walk strategy. 4 straight wins and course records speak for themselves.

 At Springwell we learned that Matt Giles had dropped out because his knee blew up. Respect to him for really having a pop at it. we also learned that the lead woman Vicky Skelton had dropped out, the exact reason was unclear. This meant that Claire Shelley was now in the lead, by hours and her crew were trying not to tell her this but it slipped out somehow. Claire was now on a mission to maintain that position, Helen was 2nd but quite a way behind. The only way she was going to catch her was in a helicopter.

Drew managed to get back into a run again, 1 minute running 1 walking which was great to see. His confidence improved as he could get through the miles faster. I used the mile markers to guage his speed, more than 4mph now. If we can keep that up we'd be done in no time. Bob and Richard were still close to us, it was good to chat to them. 

Noon - A few miles in there were reports that Claire was absolutely spanking it, getting faster in the last few miles and was going to arrive at the finish at around 30 hours, well inside my time. He crew were getting quite excited about it. At a few minutes past noon I got the call that she finished in 30 hours flat, doing the last 12 miles in 2 hours.

Claire has come a hell of a long way since I had to carry her off a mountain in the Lake District a year ago. Just like me she did this race only 16 months after doing her first ultra. She has not looked back at all and in that short time has run some incredibly difficult races and got some phenominal times. I think she has found her natural talent.

She is way too modest about it all, she would not tell anyone how she does unless you try to extract it. It was only because there were dozens of people at the finish line to report her amazing run that the rest of us even know about it. She will always understate her amazing talent at this and getting a win and an awesome time in the UK's most important ultra should give her the confidence that she can now have a go at world-beating. She is looking forward to the Spartathlon next year and I am certain she will smash it. I am bit worried given the way she bounces to the finish lines that the statue of Leonidas may spring into life and leg it when he sees her coming in for a kiss.

We were at Cowley Locks, the last "nice" part of the canal before it starts to look like a graveyard of rusty pipes and broken fences. About a mile later we saw a scooter in the canal. Shopping trolleys, footballs and rubbish bags are pretty normal here. Drew was continuing well with the run walking and we estimated getting to the finish at around 5. His parents had come out again to help and give Emma and Ant a little rest from the crewing.

2.00 PM - Hamborough Tavern - 133 miles - Just after the left turn onto the Paddington arm of the canal we approached the last checkpoint, or "Henk's Bridge" as I like to call it. Henk is full of wonderful support for runners who have just spent more than a day in constant motion. Support such as; "Where the hell have you been I was just about to close up and go home", "Nice Tits" (to the men) and the immortal line "Get the fuck out of my checkpoint". He does not let you stay there for long which is a great thing. I spend most of the weekend at last years GUCR with Henk and he is an amazing guy. Organises the Caesars Camp races and gets upset if he ends up accidentally making £10 more than he spends on the race.

Once you are past the left turn the rest feels like the home straight, it is afterall only a half marathon left. The remaining miles are discussed in terms of Sainsburys, there is one with about 6 miles to go and then another with only 2 miles to go.

3.30PM - Sainbury's Alperton - 139 miles - I am not sure how Drew recieved the comment when I said if I could just jog home from here in about 10 minutes. He was suffering a lot and the race had not gone how he'd hoped but we discussed how satisfying it is to finish something when everything seemed to go wrong. This was certainly my experience. The first time I did it everything was pretty much fine and then the second was a nightmare. My drink bladder split after 10 miles, I got dehydrated and heat exhaustion, half way I was falling asleep and had to sleep a couple of times. By 100 miles the chaffing I suffered made it look like I was giving birth. I suffered long and hard in that race and was well behind my times from the previous year. That made the finish so much more satisfying though.

4.30PM - Sainsburys Ladbrooke Grove - 143 miles - We were practically there now. This is a section I have run 100 times now, every step feels familiar and I was giving Drew the guided tour. I even knew all the Geese. I texted for everyonr to get out of the pub and come and cheer Drew in which they all did.

5.00PM and a bit - LIttle Venice 145 miles - It was done. Drew jogged into the finish as if not much had happened in the last 35 hours. ON completing the race Dick Kearn rewards you with a neck breaking medal. The organisation of this race is phenomenal, Dick manages to press gang his family and friends into giving up this weekend every year to drive vans, cook beans and dish out water along the canal. He must get excited when someone gets married in the family, possibly the first thing he would as them is "can you drive a van?" This race is unique, my favourite in the UK and I can't imagine ever spending the bank holiday weekend in May doing anything else.

Drew perked up a bit at the finish after a pint of Guinness and catching up with the others. Bob Brown, Phil Smith and Richard Webster were at the end having finished a bit before. We went to the pub to find Claire Shelley bouncing around like Flubber still. I think I looked more exhausted than anyone, nearly 2 days without sleep is not easy when you are not constantly running.

It was a previledge and a joy to crew for Drew and was pleased to see a runner to the end. There were a few times where a runner was getting ready to buddy run with someone and then their runner dropped out. I'm glad that didn't happen to us.

6.00 I managed to miss Martin Ilott, Stu Shiperly and Lawrence finish, they snuck in when I was in the pub and went home. I saw Anna Finn finish in under 36 which should give her the confidence she needs to do the Spartathlon in the same time next year.

7.00 I did a few shuttled from the pub to the finish hoping to see more and more do so. I was in contact with Allan who was running with Lindley Chambers who has only found out 2 weeks before he had a place. His knees were pretty shot and his ankle was in bits after falling down a hole before the 100 mile point but he was determined to finish and we all made our way out there to watch it happen. He looked pretty comfortable by the end.

The time seemed to pass so quickly, soon it was 11PM, dark but with a few runners still to arrive. The success rate this year was amazing, 53 out of the 92 starters ended up finishing, the highest ever. I think the growing popularity of the race is meaning the field is getting better.

11.00 PM - I walked back along the last few miles of the canal with the intention of meeting Rajeev who was looking at finishing in around 41 hours. On walking out there I saw possibly the best thing of the whole weekend, Jim Binks aged 67 was about to finish in under 40 hours. He went out hard at the start but hung on to do an amazing time. It's so inspiring to see that it is possible to do stuff like this when you are that age. Incredible.

A little after that I saw Mike Blaimes and someone else coming over the bridge with about 2 miles to go. It was great to see them and to know that it will all be over for them soon.

About 4 miles out I saw the spotlight in the distance and knew it was Rajeev. He was with Emily Gelder and he will crew for her in Badwater this year which I know she will smash. I was wide awake again talking to the two of them, Emily had been there since the 100 mile point. Rajeev is having a go at the Spartathlon this year and I am really looking forward to seeing him out there in Athens. Rajeev is an awesome guy, so enthusiatic about everyone and everything connected to running. I didn't realise till the week before that he knew Laurie who will crew me in the USA. Small world but a great world to be living on. I could have chatted to them for the rest of the race but with 1.5 miles to go I left the canal and headed home.

Monday

1.00 AM - Monday - There were still another 2 hours of the race to go but I felt like I had put in a reasonable shift. I'd been up for 44 hours, ran/walked 50 miles, got in and out of cars about 40 times, drank 6 pints, spoke about 20000 words of complete shit and was exhausted. I knew that my time here was done but I knew of the post canal blues that were to follow in the next days. It's like going home from the best holiday of your life. It may be another year till I see some of these people again and it is quite saddening. There are downsides to being part of this magnificent event.

And on that note I am torn as to how to be involved next year. I have decided that next year generally I am going to do a lot more crewing/marshalling for races than I have this year which means I'll probably race less myself. For the GUCR I am not sure. I'd love to crew again or support the race. Every time I come here though I think about little more than having another go at it. I might just have to put my name in the hat.

Spartathlon 2010 Video

Finally Managed to get it to work. I can be seen briefly at 38.30 about 100k in. Lots of footage of Emily and Heather and their amazing finishes.

My race report of Spartathlon 2010

Green Belt Relay

The world was supposed to end on Saturday which would have been inconveneint. Well actually technically the world was not going to end but Saturday was the Rapture where all the good people are floated up to heaven and all the remaining heathens are to be tormented in a hellish earth until October 21st where we would all die. This could have been a problem for the weekend. Day 2 could have involved running in earthquakes and having to fend off swarms of locusts. More worryingly what if a team member was floated off to heaven on the Saturday? Then they would not be able to run on Sunday and the team would be disqualified. Interesting times.

Despite all that 39 teams of 11 runners braved the impending apocalypse and headed for Hampton Court Palace on Saturday morning to start the Green Belt Relay. The Green Belt Relay path is a 220 mile loop of London taking in some wonderful sights of the English countryside. Teams of 11 will run a stage of 6-13 miles on Saturday and then another stage of 6-13 miles on the Sunday. All the relay legs start at a fixed time (usually just before the runners from the previous leg will arrive) so it's not a baton passing relay as such. I did this about 5 years back and recall the panic of having to do two "long" runs on successive days.

Most people get worried about the navigation part of it, we each get issued with a map of instructions which half of the runners ignore at their peril. Some will come out in the weeks beforehand and run their course in advanced. Others will use cheating devices and program routes into their Garmins so that it beeps at them if they put a foot wrong. This made me laugh the previous night where everyone was panicking about uploading files onto a device and couldn't do it. What's wrong with a map and a pair of eyes?

We watched the start, 4 people from the 4 Serpie teams and 35 others left the wonderful surroundings of the Palace and started their journey into hell (Staines). We got into one of the mini buses and headed over to the start of our first leg, stage 4 starting from Marlow.

There were 8 of us in the Van. Me, Rich Phillips who took an early lead in the weakest bladder contest. Gav Edmonds was in charge of tricky reverse parking, John Nugent wore a silly hat throughout. Tanya, Sophia, Raul and Vicky made up the rest of the party. Our job for the day was to get to the starts and finishes of the legs we were running, run them and also do some marshalling on another leg. Sounds easy.

On our way to the start of stage 4 we had heard than Andy Greenleaf and Teresa Gaillard De Laubenque (I had to copy and paste that) had won their stages and no one had got lost yet. We got to the start of out leg about 90 minutes early and were lucky to find a pub that would serve us coffee. I had one of the "mountain" stages, 12.2 miles with some hills in it. Rich, Gav and Tanya were also running. I was in the Serpie Mixed B team.

The start was a slow 5k grind up a slight incline which was good as it stopped everyone setting out too fast. Most of the runners here are faster than I am so I was pretty near the back for much of it, tagging onto a couple of women who seemed to know where they were going. The map I had was really well done and there were plenty of signs, marshals and sawdust marking the way. However that did not stop Rich going wrong in the first few miles and taking in an extra hill. He'd even programmed his Garmin to beep at him if we went off course, it did but he assumed it was low battery or something.

After the grind there was some really nice undulating trail, not too many hills in the first half. Every mile or so there was a minibus of another team handing out water and cheering. It is such an amazing race format where the marshalling and water distribution is done by the others not racing right now. Around 5 miles in the Serpie van was there and Gemma (who I managed to miss completely) yelled at me to go faster. Normally at points like this I would stop and eat a sandwich or sausage roll or something. However this is not allowed on 12.2 mile races so I had to go on with just water.

It was getting quite warm and there was a perfect mix of covered trails and open fields. I passed Tanya who should have been way faster than me but was having stomach issues (I put it much more nicely when it's a girl). She later said to me that she didn't know me well enough to say what was wrong which I found funny. I talk about much worse with people I have never met before.

I seemed to get stronger as the race went on, passing the girls I had been following and some more runners too. I never bothered warming up and it could have been the legs loosening but I felt like going at it a bit and attacking the hills in the second half. There were quite a few and each one a perfect couple of minutes of effort, I wouldn't call them mountains but there were a few people walking them.

I finished in 1.38, quite a good time I thought. Rich had come second in abtou 1.19 and Gav had done well in 1.29 despite having to go for a "Forrest" half way through. Tayna managed to finish in good time too despite her problems. We hung around for a bit but soon had to make our way to the start of stage 9 where John, Sofia, Raul and Vicky were running.

Getting to the start was easy and we got there with plenty of time to spare. There was a lovely pub where we ate. We watched the start and watched some people finish the previous leg before heading out to our marshalling point which was around halfway in the stage and on a river where we shepherd people across the road. We got the the place it descbried (Anders end) where it crosses the river and set up. We could not figure out where the runners would have to go. After a good 15 minutes of faffing we spotted some runners 100 meters up the road crossing. We were on the wrong river, there was another very close. We missed John who ended up winning the stage and only managed to get there for half of the runners. It was quite a busy road and we had to stop people sometimes from running straight into it. Luckily there were others already there to help.

Reports were coming in of Stage wins, course records and epic navigational failures. The Serpie Mens and Womens teams were cleaning up and collecting most of the maroon T-Shirts for winning their races. There had been no epic fails on getting runners to the start of their stage and all appeared to be going well. Saturday night we stayed in a hotel in Basildon (Bas Vegas) which is as delightful as it sounds. Our bus got the stage win for making it to the bar first and started to rehydrate from a tough day of running, shouting and pointing.

There was a great buffet meal put on for the end and in the hotel bar we got to all catch up together while looking at what happens in deepest Essex. It is quite grim. This is what we would all look like if we stopped running for a year, carried on eating at the same rate and tried to wear the same clothes.

I woke up before the 6.15 alarm and went downstairs for the breakfast. It was raining quite heavily outside, I was tired and the buffet breakfast did not start till 7.30. We were due to leave at 6.50 for the first stage starting at 8. I think I was put on the earliest stage for my proven record of being able to run when hungover. A nice run is a good cure for this, still have not found anything better.

The breakfast buffet was even labled already, I was missing out on sausages, bacon, black pudding, hash browns and fried eggs. I wondered whether the rapture really had happened, this was torture.

We made it in plenty of time to Blackmore where Rich, Gav and now Laura Beckwith who had joined the bus along with Tim Renshaw, Stephane, Antony and Fiona. Today's stage was a little shorter (10.9) and much easier than yesterday with no hills and little navigation. The first few miles were on a very quiet country road and undulating. I tried to keep up with Laura but my legs just couldn't. First time I met her she was saying I was running too fast and now here she was getting smaller and smaller in the distance. I was near the back again and pretty much alone, no one in view at all. This meant I had to read the map a lot more. John winning his stage

The map was easy, about 6 miles of country lanes and then into some fields after a church. The markings and marshalling were fantastic again and my finish was pretty slow, 1.26. I got to the end to find that Laura had won the stage, as had Richard with the course record. Rich came up to me as said "What happened to you?". I was 30 minutes behind him today rather than just the 20 yesterday but he assumed I had got lost. "nothing happened to me I'm just slow". Anyway he told me that Gavin was not in yet and he should have been here 20 minutes ago. 

I tried to think where they had gone wrong and all I could think of was a sharp corner at the end which is well described in the map but once you get there the signs are not too obvious. I managed it fine by keeping the map in my hand but then over the next 20 minutes about 15 other runners started trickling in from different directions to the finish line. Gav eventually arrive looking happier than the others did and reported that he'd done over 14 miles, 3 more than he should. They all went straight on near the end instead of turning right.

In doing this event you have to eat when, where and whatever you can get your hands on. Over the weekend I ate mostly chips and ice cream and celebreted the end of this one with the latter. Our next job was to drive Fiona, Antony, Stephane and Tim to the start of their "mountain" stage, probably the hardest one in the relay. 13.3 miles of hills.

I did this leg a few years ago and it is a beast. I said to Fiona that she had to beat my time (of around 1.50) because back then I was a slow fat bastard. She said "well what are you now then?" Fair point. After waving the four of them off we headed to one of the highest points in Surrey to watch the runners slog up a great big hill. 

Gav wanted some photos of people in proper pain so went down to the steepest part of the climb and set up while we prepared to clap. There was a temptation to shout abuse to get better photos, such as "you are doing really badly, give up now" and "you'll never make the cut-off". It seemed so cruel to do so as they slowly plodded up the hill, lucky the rain had stopped because it could have been muddy. Antony Bourne and 3 others were sticking with each other in the first group and then a couple more were several minutes behind. This was just after half way and they were all looking pretty knackered at this point.

Stephane and Tim came through not long later and so did Fiona who ended up winning the stage for the women. Antony came second in a close 4 way battle for victory. We missed most of the finishers because it was raining and we went to the pub and had chips. It's great how many pubs there are at the end/start of most of the stages. 

Next job was to drop John, Sophia, Raul and Vicky at their stage, quite a short one and one that had the starter shout from his car as he drove off so to get to the end before the winner (John again) arrived. More reports coming in of how Serpies were winning everywhere. I was really pleased that Tanya had a great run today and won her stage, Claire Shelley won too as did Teresa again (I think the only lady to do the double). Hugh and Nick Torry won both stages in records or very close. Wes won his stage, Jeff won his and I can't for the life of me remember how Andy Taylor did? I think he did very well.

Having seen John and co finish and one quick ice-cream stop we headed back to the main finish in Kingston to watch the race end. The 2 min Serpie teams had pretty much wrapped it up long ago with win after win after win. Andy Greenleaf finishes the job for the Men's team in a course record time. 

The prize giving was very lively and short, the way such things should be. Most of the club were handed large bottles of alcohol for their efforts.

This is one of the best weekends of running anyone would possibly have. The Stragglers do an amazing job of organising the event and getting everyone involved in the marshalling really helps it become such a social race. Strongly recommend this. It even helps if you are not an ultra runner :)

And on that note, a couple of years ago I contacted the organisers and got provisional approval to have a go at running this solo. I decided against it in the end as there would have been too much organising for me. However having seen more of the course and run 2 more of the legs I am convinced that it is possible.

220 miles non-stop. I would say that would take 60 hours on a good run. I'd start probably 24 hours before the race and hope to finish at the same time. The navigation is not too difficult and having done 2 of the "hilliest" stages I reckon there is nothing terrain wise to make it too hard. Well as easy as 220 miles could be.

And now I know most of the places to get ice-cream and chips.

Big Thanks to the Stragglers for putting on the event and Ian Hodge for organising the Serpie teams. 

Running on Empty - Marshall Ulrich

Marshall Ulrich is a legend even amongst legendary ultra runners, let alone sport induced binge eaters like me. His original foray into endurance sports was borne out of personal loss. His accomplishments were vast, several Badwater wins, double, quadruple Badwaters, climbing the 7 highest mountains of the seven continents, 9 eco-challenges (really hardcore multi-day multi sport endurance events) and various combinations of 100 mile races in quick succession marked him out as someone who knew how to suffer. Though I still don't think anyone can ever be "ready" to run across America Ulrich was probably as close as you can get.

I didn't meet Ulrich in Badwater last year where our paths may have crossed  and wish I had made more of an effort to say hello. I have been reading his blog for a while now and the advice he gives is amongst the best on the internet, or anywhere for that matter. Why buy books when you get get it all here for free. I was really looking forward to reading his account on his crossing of America.

This account is full of drama and results in a really honest and lively book. There was more tragedy before the start of the run and this seemed to galvanise his resolve to make the 3063 mile journey. He set his sights high, attempting to cover 70 miles a day. He was running at the same time as (but not alongside) Charlie Engel who was a friend and fellow serial endurace runner. There was mobile support, a crew and a TV production company following the progress of the runners.

I loved the style of writing here. Marshall gets across beautifully just how hard but ultimately rewarding such a feat is without getting overly poetic about it. It is rich in metaphor for how running is a release from hardship while being a hardship itself but it's refreshing just how much the book is about actually putting one foot in front of the other. It's a book about running a bloody long way. A few years ago I would have read such books and tried to imagine what it must be like to do such a thing. Now I am reading from the view that I AM actually going to be doing this and hoping that it will all be worth it.

It's funny how I read books on this and think some things must be an exaggeration. Surely you don't get run over, or shot at? It seems the recurrance of these in the books would say that this does happen. There are so many things for me to get excited about. I loved the bit where he comments on the location of a prison - if you escaped from there you have a hell of a long way to go to get to anywhere else.

The run ended up straining Ulrichs mind and body and his relationships with some of the cast. His determination to get it done at high speed was amazing. He compares himself to a badger when running, something that I can do quite easily :) "Dig deep and love home". 

It is packed with advice on how to actually run and has appendices of his training, nutrition and injuries. The Doc said he suffered more injuries that an entire field would in a Badwater race. I could almost treat this as a manual of how to repeat his endeavor. I was a little concerned about how little time he had to do nothing, it seems like he was constantly either running, getting ready to run or recovering or trying to sleep. Saying that he was eating breakfast while getting dressed sounds like stressful multi-tasking to me. I am doing less miles per day than him so hope to have a few moments each day just to stare blankly at a wall or take in the surroundings. Maybe sleep outside and watch the stars.

I loved the brutal honesty of what this did to him, and what it might do to me. Really really good book. Well worth reading and I hope he can come along and visit the race sometime this summer.

Richmond Park Marathon - Explicit language warning

I bought entry to this marathon for Gemma as a birthday present. What more would a girl want on her birthday than the opportunity to run 26 miles?

Because it was her birthday it meant we had to go for dinner in some posh place that feels like eating in a library. Everyone is quiet and you feel bad for making noise as you try to sneak small lumps of food in your mouth and pretend not to have noticed the "please do not eat food in our clean restaurant" signs.

And for some reason I was getting really annoyed by a woman at the table next to us who had 3 glasses of wine poured and for the hour that I was (secretly but intensly) watching her she didn't drink a sip at all, she just swirled one around a bit and sniffed it. Now correct me if I'm wrong but since the whole wine "thing" has been debunked as snobbery (see this study on blind tasting) the whole purpose of drinking it is to get pissed.

In between mouthfuls of whatever it was I had (Rabbit stuffed with fish, wrapped in bacon and including the liver of an unspecified animal. Funny how whenever I eat a combination of 4 different and often unspecified animals in the form of a doner kebab I get accused of being unsophisticated) veins in my head were about to pop at the sight and nausiating sound of this woman. 

She had an awful nasal voice which was probably banging on about wine (ie talking bullshit). You can attach snobby words to anything and say "this has a lovely tinge of medeteranian oakiness with an aftertaste of rustic bohemia which would suit a meal consisting of sauteed rodent and things that are purple". Idea for Dragons Den, create an engine oil that when you put it in the car it "harmonises" your whole car such that it even makes the radio play better music. You could test it and people would say that it works because there are enough idiots out there to make such hypotheses statistically significant.

My temptation was to bang my fists on her table and yell "Drink the F****G wine you annoying cow". But I know better than to yell obsenities at a stranger.

Anyhoo, running. For a moment I forgot what this blog was about. Actually it is running and "stuff". That was some stuff. I'll try not to do it often.

This was the first running of the Richmond Park Marathon. Richmond Park is the largest of the London parks and is a regular training route for Serpies and other runners alike. You'd often see (if I ever came out here) elite runners and baby joggers making use of the convenient 7.2 miles of nice trail around the outside. A nice local marathon for the people of London.

There were about 300 entries, probably 250 starters and British Military Fitness were involved in doing the warm up similar to that done by scantily clad aerobics instructors at mass 10k races. The start was in waves to stop crowding and I was in the first (so called fast) wave starting at 9.30.

The race consisted of a small lap of 4.5 miles then 3 big laps of 7.2 miles. I settled into a nice comfy pace with Mark Cockbain, Allan Rumbles and Daniel (Gritts) aiming to chugg around in about 3.45. We spent the first lap trying to convince Allan that he should not retire from running after the Spartathlon this year. After the first short lap I pulled ahead a bit, maintaining the pace as the others slowed a bit. Not long later Dan caught up with me and we ran the rest of it together.

Each lap contained 2 things that some people call slight inclines, others call hills and others will call "f****g great big mother-f****g b****d hills". I think some people entered this thinking as it's within the M25 it should be flat. It almost is save for these 2 things each lap. They were a welcome break from flat running as my bones were aching a bit from not much rest in the past 2 weeks. I've done 100+ mile weeks back to back before this which is a great confidence boost for being over my operation but makes my legs sore. Check that out - both feet off the floor

The second lap felt the hardest but it was great having Gritts around to chat to and to keep me going at a reasonable pace. We managed to go wrong and up an extra hill that we were not supposed to do. At the top of the hill and with people still telling us we were doing really well we looked down at lots of runners who were behind us who were running along the path at the bottom. Hoping we could just stay at the top and run across we followed parallel but had to go down and meet them to get back up again.

On completing the second lap I saw Gus standing there with a beer in his hand, having obviously dropped out of the race. I yelled at him "F****G hell Gus get back into the race". I did not realise just how loud I was shouting or that only 2 feet away from me there was a little girl holding out water for me. I felt so bad and embarrased about my obcenities and said sorry quite a lot as everyone else laughed. That poor girl. "Mummy why was that man so angry at me?", "I don't know dear but we are never coming here again to give these people water".

I think I was still angry about that woman who just wouldn't drink any wine.

I ran the last map feeling much better and saw the awesome Tyre Girl pulling her large tyre along the whole race. Tempting though it was to say "you look tyred" I resisted. She had started earlier than us and still had a long way to go. Those hills would not have been easy dragging that thing along.

The last lap seemed to go much quicker than the others, sometimes the familiarity makes it go by faster. I met Monki off fetch who was looking quite knackered but very determined, the perfect way to be with a few miles to go in a marathon. Gritts and I finished in about 3.47 and I discovered it had been a great day for the Serpies. Nick Copas had won the race in 2.58 and Jen Bradley had won the womens race in 3.28, fantastic times on a challenging course. I spent some time catching up with people and assisitng the guy on the loud speaker with info about the serpies who were finishing.

This is Gemma and it's her birthday today and her 25th marathon

Here are Pam and Martin and they are Serpies despite trying to hide it

This bright green blob is Jany Tsai and she is going to smash the canal run in 2 weeks time

This is Alex. Yeah he always grins like that

We had a picnic later which quickly changed location to the pub. The Richmond Marathon was a great first time event and I really hope to do it again next year though I will insist on carb-loading for it in Subway the night before. None of this "what statement are you giving about yourself if you ask for extra gerkins" malarky, just eat the f****g sandwich. Simple.

Why We Run - Bernd Heinrich

Bernd Heinrich is probably the Indiana Jones of ultra running. His scientific research and ultra running credentials are amazing and this book is an absolute must read for anyone into distance running and the science behind it.

Bernd was a very good runner at school, getting somewhere near the 4 minute mile as a kid. He put the running down for a while to work in Africa and developed further his love of the natural world. He worked as a biologist and became fascinated in the endurance and running capabilities of animals. He looked at nature and asked some of these questions;

• How does a bumble bee or a moth flap it's wings 1000s of times a minute and not overheat? The thing should turn into a ball of flames.
• How do birds manage to fly 3000 miles non-stop over several days without re-fueling? 
• How can a Pronghorn Antelope run 10k in 7 minutes? What kind of VO2 Max would that require

He experimented and found the answers to these which make great reading. However the best bits are where he looks at the endurance capabilities of humans and experiments on himself.

Humans are endurance animals. This theory has been presented well in other books (Survival of the Fittest and Born to Run). We make lousy sprinters (Usain Bolt would lose a 100m race to most 4-legged mammals including rabbits). Our ability to go long and persistence hunt is what makes us unique in the animal kingdom. We have abilities to dissipate heat so that we can run in deserts rather than merely plod like camels. 

Bernd then puts his running shoes back on and starts training hard for races, running a 2.22 marathon and breaking the US 100k record in the process. He trained hard and experiemented based on what he learned from nature rather than running wisdom. My favourite experiment was where he left cans of beer on his long runs to pick up and drink.

I like books that reassure me that what I do is normal and sustainable. I liked this book a lot.

Malvern Hills Ultra

It had to happen after our month of tropical temperatures and unbroken sunshine. Farmers, gardeners and otters were thankful of the reprieve. 80 runners with 53 miles to run and maps to read were a little less enthusiastic.

It was an early start to the day, getting up at 5.30 for a 2.30 hour drive to the start. That bit went well, somehow we put the wrong postcode into the satnav and ended up at checkpoint 1 trying to find signs of the start of a race. Then looking at the website for the proper start address we discovered that the race starts half an hour before we thought, at 9am. We managed to get there at 8.45, not much time to faff around before we were all sent off into the Severn Path.

We started the Malvern Hills Ultra from Holt Castle a few miles outside of Worcester. I did remark right as we started “well at least it’s not raining”. It did about 5 minutes later and did not stop for 3 hours. The first 20 miles or so were along the path of the river Severn, quite flat but on nice trail and through trees. I was in a group being led by Rob Westaway who I was trying to hang onto for the navigation.

I didn’t have any maps or route description which were crucial in this race. I left them at Gemma’s and did not pick up a spare set at the start. Claire Shelley managed to leave hers in the car in our haste to get to the start. The trail along the river became wide fields and we could see for a mile in front of us and this is where Rob sped off and pulled a lot of the others with him. SO then it was me and Claire in the middle of a field in a navigation race with no maps. What could go wrong?

We did get to the first “punch point” where we’d stamp our cards at an unmanned post and then soon after we got to the second checkpoint and were being caught up by others. Around 20 miles in there is a section through a nice town with lots of nice pubs. It had stopped raining, the sun had come out, I was a bit knackered and didn’t really know where to go. I was so tempted to just pull out there, head to the pub, get a taxi back to the start and be done with it. I think Claire was thinking the same thing. We just sat down on a bench and considered our options and then Nicole Brown came running up towards us.

Ok so if we can hang on to Nx and Mark who she was running with we may have a chance. I still just could not be bothered though. At this point I asked Claire what the time was knowing that her Garmin would not be able to give her such information. She looked at it and said that she had not even switched it on yet. She was wearing it as a fashion bracelet.

The next few miles were on country lanes and in the distance we could see a beautiful chain of hills. That was where we were heading, along these roads to the start of the chain and then up and over the tops of them. I was looking forward to some hills. There was a long climb up to the first one and then back down into the third checkpoint at about 28 miles. I felt like I was holding people up at the back and really wanted to drop out. I figured 28 miles was a reasonable run for the day and I could try and do the same tomorrow. But it would be silly to do this and only complete the flat river bit wouldn’t it? The next miles were over the tops of those hills and with the sun shining it would be a sin to miss it. I decided to carry on and drop out at the next checkpoint at about 35 miles.

There was nothing wrong with me. I was not injured, nothing hurt more than it usually would at this stage. It was a great course, well organised and I had good company but I just could not be arsed with it today, my head just was not in it. I texted Gemma to say that I wanted curry for dinner tonight and spent the next few hours just craving sitting down and eating curry. I was justifying in my head how it was the right thing to do to just pull out  and head home and eat at a reasonable time.

The ridge was amazing, by now there were a lot of walkers out but you could see for miles down on all the surrounding towns. I was really glad the rain stopped for this. I found a bit of energy to keep up with the rest of the guys as we tried to find the punch points we had to stop at. One was advertised as being on top of the highest peak which it wasn’t, it must have been removed by someone. Maybe some similar group to the people who removed signs in the new forest last week. Mark surveyed all the possible hill-tops around but could not find it. There was a 10 minute penalty for every one missed and we spent about 10 minutes looking for it and not finding it. We could not find the next one either, again spending about 10 minutes stopping and going back and looking. Correction – Mark and Nicole went looking for it, I sat down and looked forward to the next checkpoint where I could drop out.

After a few hours in the hills we were in a forest and some lovely trails. There was one huge climb and some steep descents. The path held up very well despite the rain. Our group had got bigger as we plodded on through the trails.

The next checkpoint was at a pub, around 35 miles in and I just craved orange and lemonade which was strange. I still was OK but still really wanted to drop out. Another 18 miles sounded like a lot of work however we did not hang around enough for me to get comfortable and we were off again, Nicole and Claire dragging everyone else along.

I’m glad I didn’t really have time to think. The gap to the next checkpoint was about 10 miles which at our pace was 2 hours. Another 2 hours of this and then maybe 2 more seemed like too much effort. Apart from the checkpoints there was no where I could really get a cab from, it was quite isolated for the whole thing. It was a great route that managed to avoid large sections of busy road.

By now the group were flagging a bit. Claire was still bouncing away with more energy than she had in the first 10 miles and Nx was making sure that anything flat or downhill was run by everyone. I stayed a safe distance behind and moped a bit.

Still unsure what the source of my CBA was I stopped thinking about how I can bail from the race and instead thought about what is required to finish. It started to piss it down again and I still was not enjoying it but thought about the summer where I may well have days and even weeks like this. I’ve been told several times to treat the USA run “as a job” and in any job you are going to have shit days that just seem pointless. I’m going to have to struggle through those days for something that is much bigger overall. I just need to finish the job today and maybe tomorrow would be better. Also I realised that I needed the dry T-Shirt for finishing as I had not brought much of a change of clothes.

The rain got heavier. It was still warm and I was still sweating all over the place but determined to hang onto the gang. When the Garmins said we had about 7 miles to go I didn’t believe it, it was more like 10. I was right, not that I can complain as the others were doing the map reading because of my own stupidity. If I had my own maps I may have slowed to a walk and navigated myself and finished hours later than we did.

The rain did not dampen anyones enthusiasm as we were near the end. I could not take any photos near the start or end of the race as the phone had to go in the bag to stop getting wet. The last checkpoint was 7.5 miles to the end, 3 parks. I can do this.

There were a couple more punch points that we struggled to get our soggy bits of paper out to stamp. A small section on a very steep road then some more woodlands and trails and into a field where we could see Holt Castle. Over a barbed wire fence and along the road and into the castle. I had not felt so relieved to get to a finish line for some time. The 6 of us crossed together in 11.11.

I’m not sure what the winning time was but Ryan and Kevin McMillan were joint second in just over 9 hours and Rob did an amazing 9.40 for 4^th. Not many people under 10 hours suggests that this was a tough one.

Everyone found it tough without really knowing why and I took heart in other peoples misery. The weather was a bit miserable in places and there was some navigation involved (not nearly as much as an LDWA event, the trail signposts were all very obvious). It was hilly but not too much so and I had great company. I just put this down to “one of those days”.

It’s funny that I chatted to Ryan at the end who said that while he and Kevin were grumpily plodding on they wondered whether I have these times as I seem to just plod through everything with a smile on my face. Today I had 11 hours of that. Halfway through I was thinking “why the hell to I feel so shit after only 25 miles and what does this mean for the summer?” Now I am thinking “I can do 55 miles while feeling like a bag of shit”. The latter way of thinking about it gives me more confidence about the summer.

The drive back was long (note next year probably stay locally that night) and I didn’t get in till gone midnight and had re-heated curry on my own. Wasn’t quite the end of the day I was expecting but it was OK. Thanks to Claire and Nicole for dragging me around, Thanks to Rob for doing all the driving. It was a great day really.

There was an 83 mile ultra being run at the same time as this, I could not imagine doing that though I am sure that if I had entered I’d have finished. Before the start of the race I spoke to Steve Partridge who was talking about another race from Ultra Running Ltd next year. The "7" - 214 miles in 5 days along the Severn Path promising to take you to “your own personal edge of darkness”. This trail managed that in less than 20 miles, it would be rude not to try 200+. 

Pony Express - New Forest 2011

The race briefing declared that that 45% of the entry were women. This is very unusual in running races generally and more so in ultra running. What a great day for equality said most of the men. Well actually no, I think most were thinking about how the lovely views were going to be supplemented by, erm.. lovely views. The Pony Express – voted Britain’s best race for pulling in.

The Pony Express was named because of the wild ponies that live in the New Forest. This ancient forest was another one of those places in the UK that I had never been to despite it only being a two hour drive from London. We were all glad to get out of London for the weekend. The majesty of ancient trees and wild animals would certainly eclipse the majesty of the future his-majesty spending millions of public money parading thousands of expensive dressed up military ornaments. I could not bear to wait for the news that a year of my taxes had been used to present Posh Spice with a meal that she would barely touch. Still, the bank holiday was welcome though. Part of the Serpentine Ultra-Running Army

Right then the race. This was a new addition to the expanding portfolio of great events that Neil Thubron and XNRG are putting on around the UK. We were to run 30 miles each day on Saturday and Sunday on the trails of the New Forest. Unlike other XNRG events these were not along a continuous national trail such as the Ridgeway or the North Downs Way but will involve combinations of lots of different trails, lots of turns and unfortunately for most of us lots of navigating.

Neil also warned us at the race briefing that the forest folk don’t take too kindly to signs being put up in their area. Neil had paid for the privilege of being allowed to put up some arrows for the event but soon discovered that the locals had removed many of them.

I started in the “middle” group at 10am which was probably unwise as I ended up being near the front of the pack and hence more responsible for navigation. It was actually much easier than I thought, keeping my place on the map and knowing approximately when to expect a turn. I ran with Cleo Oliver and Chris (who I’d met a couple of years ago in Davos).

The first 10 miles to the first checkpoint were fairly well covered by the trees and were really nice to run. After that we ran along some exposed railway path where the sun started doing it’s work. Our group of 3 turned into a group of about 8 with Dan De Belder and another lady Beth,  a Serpie John and some others catching up with us.

We had navigated quite well but hit a problem around 15 miles in where there was a t junction in the woods and were not sure whether we should go left or right. The map was not big enough to make it clear so we opted to go left on getting the compass out and realising that we should be heading due west. If it were just one person deciding we would have turned left within seconds, however as there was a committee of us we debated for a long time before marginally deciding to go the right way.

At the second CP Rob and the other leading guy caught up with us having got lost the same place we nearly did earlier. He had done another couple of miles in a loop but managed to get back on track. Rob and Alex then pushed on ahead taking the 2 girls with him.

The route cut through some farms and Ian Payne came smashing it up behind me. I can normally rely on him to cramp up around 20 miles in any long run and have to walk the rest but he was doing the opposite here, bounding past us all quite comfortably. He was only doing the one day though because he is a triathlete and I think his training spreadsheet said that he should spend 6 hours of Sunday watching DVD’s about swimming technique.

I was quite pleased with being able to keep up a reasonable pace and got running with a chap called Andy who told me this was his first run of more than 20 miles. We got to the third checkpoint 20 minutes before it was due to open and saw Rob there with the ladies (Alex had run off quite fast). I had been drinking lots and looking forward to getting more cold drink and luckily there were some supporters on hand to give us some water. It was our own fault for starting at 10 rather than 11.

I thought about staying until more water was available but figured I could be halfway to the end by the time they get there, I had about 10k left to go and just wanted to get on with it. Neil met us about a mile later with some cold water so I didn’t have to worry about fluid anymore.

I continued with Chris chatting away and behind in the distance I could see a Serpie gaining on us fast. I figured it was John having a second wind but almost as quickly as I thought that Huw Lobb came bounding past, having started an hour later he was making light work of this run. I was surprised that he didn’t get more lost but he’s actually good at running while reading a map. Might have to put him in a race with Alan Hall.

With only a few miles to go there is a section through Ringwood which we didn’t quite do correctly. We were supposed to follow the Malvern Trail which we did except for a time where we arrived in Ringwood and could not see any signs. We asked some locals who were very helpful indeed, too helpful in fact.

Yes yes I know where the footpath is. You follow this road, past the traffic lights up to the car park, go straight through the car park up to the car dealers, it used to be a lovely bakery but it closed 12 years ago. After the car dealers you will see a café that our Alice used to work in a few years back while she was at college. This time of year it has a lovely garden with marigolds and tulips. Anyway, please give me back my map.

Andy and I managed to retrieve our maps from the too helpful locals and head on up in the general direction of the finish but missed an underpass and went over a busy roundabout instead. No bother really and soon we saw the School where the finish was and got the job done in just under 5 hours.

It was only 3 in the afternoon, the sun was blazing, I had just done a long run and felt that deserved a bottle of beer (or several). Anna who helps with the organisation told us to get in the showers asap before the masses start coming in. She told me to use the ladies as they were not being used. I asked just to make sure that it was ok and then went into the ladies to find a startled Cleo in there. Wasn’t my fault honest.

After the shower we sat outside at the finish with beer and clapped the others in. Jen Bradley was a little nonplussed with getting  quite lost near the end but still came in in a great time. Gemma finished around 6 hours and had me doing shuttle runs for her soya milk for the next hour. Mark Bell, Alex Pearson soon followed. We saw Alex (the guy who was leading of the 10am starters) finish about an hour after we did and soaking wet. He had gone really wrong and ended up jumping in a river to cross to get back on route. He looked exhausted and very wet. Later in the pub he told us he had never done a marathon before and only did this in competition with his brother who was about to run a marathon in Afghanistan (800m laps of some army complex).

The location of the finish was perfect. We set up our sleeping bags and mats in the sports hall and went to the pub that was only a short walk. A little walk and a few pints of local ale seemed like the perfect way to unwind from a day running. The event included dinner and breakfast and both were really good. For dinner there was a simple but recovery friendly option of chicken or quorn and veg and potatoes. Salad was also on offer for those people who really did not get the point of ultra-running.

I managed to get drunk enough to sleep well at night which can be a problem when sleeping in a room with about 50 other people. Some of the women snore and fart terribly.

It rained heavily during the night which would not have much of an effect on the run the next day except that I had left my trainers outside to protect people from the smell. Doh.

Sunday morning the starts were earlier, 7, 8 and 9. As one of the faster finishers I was put on the 9 start with Rob, Jen and most of the people I ran with yesterday. This was fine, it gave me a couple of hours to let the massive fry up to settle, they had done really well with the food here. I could have posted about 10 pictures of Jen's arse but I decided to go for this one instead

There only ended up being 10 of us at the 9am start, Neil had sent the ladies off on the 8 at their request except Jen was not around so was the only female in the 9 start. The 3 guys who were leading of those doing the 2 days (coming in just over 4 hours yesterday) shot off into the distance and I made a vain attempt to keep up with Rob who was charging off too but he lost me on the hills. There were more hills today (or rather there were hills today).

After a few miles Jen and the other 4 caught up and we ran as a group for most of the rest. We were running across the top of a ridge and it was quite windy. It was we were going to get most of this done before the heat of the day kicked in.

I thought the route on day 2 was much nicer, there was less twisting and turning on the map and more open viewing points and tall forests. Though I was keeping my eye on the map in case I lost the group I was just following Jen and Sandy who were doing the majority of the navigation. If I were on my own I would have probably walked up the hills, Jen was determined not to walk any of them and was beasting the 5 guys up every one of them, shouting at us if we walked. She was in a rush to get back for the Arsenal Vs Man Utd game later and needed to finish in 5 hours. Essentially 5 guys were getting pulled along by a girl who was desperate to get back for the football. What has the world come to?

At the start of each day we were warned about adders in the forest. A warning usually taken lightly except there had been a couple of sightings on the first day so I was looking out for one. I love the wild ponies and cows in the New Forest, they are completely disinterested in humans. They don’t run away but neither do they respond in any way if you stroke them. Checkpoint 2 was quite funny, there as a pony with it’s face in the cake and was not moving. I thought it had been tied there somehow but it was just wanting to eat the famous Rocky Road cake that powers most of the runners along this. This pony spend a long time slobbering on the cake

Oddly I did not eat much and the checkpoints this weekend. Apart from drink I only recall having a couple of pretzels and one piece of cake. This is unlike mewhen there is cheese, sausage and sweets on offer. I did have two fry-ups for breakfast though.

After the first checkpoint we started to overtake the runners from previous waves and soon caught up with some familiar faces. We passed Alex just before the last checkpoint. I sprinted ahead to see him and say hello only to get a photo of Jen from the front. In struggling to keep up I had already taken about 10 photos of her arse and did not want to be branded a pervert again after yesterday’s changing room episode.

After CP3 I saw Gemma in the distance and considered my dilemma. Should I run the rest with her and earn some brownie points or should I press on so to be able to have more beer at the finish? Gemma was running with a lady called Carol Ann who was running her 150^th marathon/ultra today so figured she was in good hands.

Not long after that we got a bit lost. On going into some woods and over a brook we must have gone along a path that was not really a path (well not marked on the map anyway) and cut through and come out at the wrong point. Some of the locals had removed the signs again in protest against marauding ultra-runners and we ended up not really knowing where we were. There were some people out walking with a map.

We had different maps and neither had any of the same reference points. We’d say “where are we in relation to Badger’s Shrub” and they’d say “That’s not on our map, you are about a mile south of Otters Dyke” and we’d say “That’s not on our map, I reckon we are somewhere west of Adder’s tail” and they’d say “That’s not on our map, maybe you should make an approach for Donkey’s End?”

Realising this could go on and on we chose to try and take a path heading south towards Brockenhurst and hope to regain our position somehow. There were about 10 of us now which prolonged the decision making but we got there in the end, unanimously deciding to go wrong. We got the compass out and took a rough bearing. I was amazed that I convinced some people that I knew how to use a compass.

It didn’t make too much difference. I think we cut out a bit of the route but made up for it by hitting the road into Brockenhurst a bit early and running a few miles of road. It felt a bit disappointing to finish with a longer stretch road than we should but we could have spent all day in that forest. Jen was on a mission now, cutting the 5 hour finish a bit fine. I did point out that Man U score all their goals in the last minute anyway so she had a couple more hours still but she was having none of it and sped off.

We all finished in very similar times to the previous day. Rob took about 20 minutes less on dya 2 as did Jen by just scraping under 5. I did about 5.01 which meant less than 10 hours for both runs. I was really pleased with that, when I head to the US I’ll be going a bit slower than that and taking more walking breaks (even if I do get shouted at). I thought I had time to pop inside and get a beer and come to watch Gemma finish but she was too quick too, finishing just a few minutes after me.

I hit the shower (MENS) and came out for the prize giving and to chat to some of the people I bumped into along the way. The 3 leading guys finished in just over 4 hours again, deciding not to race in amongst themselves today so only a few minutes from the first day separated them. Beth won the womens race and Jen was just behind in 2^nd, not far off first and would have been in with a shout if she had not explored more of the A338 on day 1.

We retired the to pub to hear that Man U had lost while I tried to recruit Sandy to the ever expanding Serpentine Ultra-Running Army.

So all in all a great 2 days of running for me and another great show from XNRG. Shame I can’t do their next 2 events on the Isle of Wight and on the Thames Path. Hopefully Neil can finally crack that 50/50 male/female split next time. I’ll be sure to bring my ear plugs and wear them during the race too.

Anniversary Waltz

It was another glorious weekend in the UK. Defra warned the asthmatics to stay indoors with the windows closed at the same time Playstation announced that their network had been hacked and that those 30 year old virgins who planned on following Defra’s advice and playing dragon games wouldn’t be able to do so. Perhaps is was part of a plan to get people outside? It would have been a crime to stay indoors for any reason this weekend, the first of our 2 long weekends in the UK this month.

Like last Easter about 2 dozen Serpies travelled up to the Lake District. A stunning series of lakes and hills in the North East of England where you are only ever minutes away from a hug ascent on slippery scree and about an hour away from the top of something where you can see the whole lot. We stayed in Keswick again, in the same B&B as last time only this year was vastly different. Similar crowd but amazingly better weather.

On Friday we drove up just in time to get a few hours of running in the hills before heading off to the pub. I have no idea where we went as we were following Claire Shelley, I swear that girl will do the Bob Graham Round one day; accidentally.

On Saturday about 12 Serpies pitched up at the start of the Anniversary Waltz, a 11.3 mile fell race starting in Chair and going up and over some of the hills. We were told at the beginning to “add around an hour to your half marathon time” for an estimated finish.

We were in amongst proper fell runners. This is a race reviewed in depth by Richard Askwith in Feet in the Clouds as being huge on the fell racing calendar. We collected out numbers that were given out in alphabetical order and I was keen to parade my number 1 around (In your face Tim). I guessed that the field here was going to be incredibly strong and although there were some quick Serpies here there were dozens of fell running specialists who could make us all look like a southern softy London road running club.

Gemma was not feeling too great so I agreed to “plod along near the back” with her which was fine by me. What I didn’t realise was that we actually would be right at the back. The first 3 miles were nothing too strenuous, a little up hill (think Parliament hill times 6) and then off into the mountains, the first one being Robinson.

Gemma and I were almost at the back despite not feeling like we were going that slow. If this were an ultra then we’d be in the middle somewhere, it seems that only proper hardcore fell runners even enter this one.

This race involves one really big climb into the mountains then a succession of ridges where you go up and down a bit but not as much as in the first instance. The climb up Robinson was immense. There was a choice of 2 paths, one indirect (very steep) and one direct (very very steep). I took the latter and am not sure whether it was the better choice. There we 5 checkpoints to go through and in fell races any route is fair game. There are paths you can take between points but if you feel you can get from A to B faster by running over rocks, through trees, off cliffs or whatever then you are welcome to go for it.

The ascent was lung busting and needed use of my arms. The conditions were perfect but the dew on the grass still made slipping a frequent event. If it were pissing it down like last year I can’t imagine being able to propel my body up this one. Near the top it got misty, visibility reduced to about 10 meters and that stuck with us for most of the remainder of the race.

With only 10 meters to see and being at the back it was hard to figure out where we were going. We laughed near the start about the compulsory need for maps, compasses and water proofs but seeing how quickly we ascended into the clouds I can understand their concern. We had to get out the maps quite a lot and every now and then a runner would just come towards us from a random direction having gone the wrong way.

The downhill sections were steep and uneven. This is a very different race to anything I’ve done in the Alps where the paths are just as steep but the footing is generally good. Fell running in the lakes is a very specialist form of running which is why to do the Bob Graham Round you really need to have been up here lots of times before.

On one of the downhill sections we were overtaken by a man walking his dog. That’s never happened to me in a race before. The dog was much more sure footed than either of us. There were a few opportunities for us to take the direct (suicidal) route to the next checkpoint but decided on the path instead.

We fought through the mist and over through the remaining checkpoints and towards the end we were overtaken by the guys in the longer run of around 19 miles, I can’t believe I had not heard of that one but given that this took the best part of 4 hours it’s probably just as well. At the end there was free beer which I had a couple of and would have stayed for more but the others who had finished who were bored of waiting for me to finish wanted to head back.

There were some great efforts from the Serpies. Wes ran an impressive 2.03, Gavin, Rob and James Edgar were not far behind. Jen and Fiona ranked well amongst the girls and hopefully between them demonstrated that we are not a completely lame bunch of road runners. However when I entered the field at the end of the race I was met with a comment from a sympathetic looking kid who sagely said “I think you may actually be last”.

James will have to come back here next year and do something like that 7 times in 24 hours. Some of the hills we went up don’t even feature on the round as they are not high enough.

I felt like I had done enough for the day and had fish and chips shortly followed by burger and chips and a lot of beer.

Sunday due to an unexplained internal head injury I did not get up till noon but had a fantastic day walking with Gemma up the steep side of Skiddaw and back down the other side. I later managed a half portion of Keswicks famous Cow Pie. I had half of one last year and finishing it drained all the life out of me. This year was not quite so bad but I wonder how hungry you’d have to be to manage a whole one? Perhaps after doing the whole Bob Graham? If you can stay awake that long.

Why We Run

Was certainly a question Drew and I were asking at 2.45am on Sunday morning while the rest of London was asleep in total darkness. We could just go back to bed and get up at a normal time, head over to the London Marathon and cheer along the carnival, possibly via McDonalds and then just drink the afternoon away. Seemed like a perfect way to spend a sunny Sunday.

However our plan was different, we were up in the middle of the night to head over to Big Ben for 4am to meet Robin Harvie; author of Why We Run, to then run the London Marathon route in reverse. Why?

Drew and I set out, along the canal where even the geese were asleep and then on down a lively Edgeware Road that was still alive and the smell of shisha and the aura of mocking washed over us. We arrived at Big Ben around 3.45 and waited for the clock to strike 4 to head off on our meander back to Greenwich Park.

There were 7 of us in total. Myself, Drew, Mark, Rob, Alex, Hugh and Robin. The first few miles along the embankment were fairly easy going though and all the mile markers were already out there. Felt odd running through 25, then 24, then 23 etc. It was already quite warm and the weather reports promised a warm and sunny marathon later on.

Rob and Mark were setting a faster pace in front and the rest of us were happy to be plodding along at 4 hour marathon pace. I got a chance to chat to Robin about running and his book and future running plans as we counted down the miles.

Why We Run - The Book

It would be easy to compare this book to Feet in the Clouds and since I am a big fan of making things easy I think I will. There are a a few similarities. Both are very well written and are from the point of view of a "normal" runner, not a super-athlete. Both detail an obsession with a brutally hard endurance event. Both stories are told alongside the histories of those who have done the same before them. The key difference here was that the obsession was much closer to home for me. It was about the Spartathlon.

Robin is a normal guy, as far as you can call ultra-running and Spartathlons "normal". His journey into Ultras is quite similar to mine (and many others I am sure). He ran a few marathons, felt like he hit a plateux in terms of time and decided to go longer instead. He picked the Spartathlon as the race to do and set about an intense and time-consuming training schedule, much of it on the river Thames. I may have crossed paths with him along that river while training for the same thing. Just passing half way around 6am

There is a great account of the ancient olympics and some of the history of great endurance runners. This fits in perfectly with his accounts on training, his own motivations as to why he should take on something like the Spartathlon and his quest to discover why we run. I thoroughly recommend reading his account. Any of you obsessed with an endurance event (and I am guessing if you are here you will be) then this book is well worth reading.

So, back to the run. Why am I doing this again?

I continued to chat to Robin about the Spartathlon and said it was great that the race was getting some recognition as being the toughest race out there. All those I know who have done this and the other so called toughest (you know what they are) agree that running from Athens to Sparta in 36 hours agree that this is on top. His recent article in the Telegraph is a great read.

Poplar high street and Canary Wharf were very quiet at 5am, in just a few hours they will be overwhelmed with loud and colourful support. Day started to break around 5.30 and from 6 at the halfway point on the Tower Bridge there were signs of life as people in high-vis jackets started to build the huge event that is the London Marathon.

Over the bridge and into Bermondsey it felt odd to be running a course that I had done 4 times before through a city that I have lived in for 7 years and finding that I just did not recognise any of it. This part of the route is fairly residential and quiet at 7am. As we approached Greenwich the roads were being closed, the water stations loaded and masses of marshalls were assembling.

I felt quite good until arond the half marathon point. It has been a long time since I have ran this distance, not since my operation and it showed a bit. I also can't remember the last time I ran this much on roads, it was probably the Spartathlon last year. All of my races this year have been off road. I am not too worried though about having to run 45 miles on a road each day for 70 days.

My "plan" for the US would be to run at about the pace we were running here, about 9 minute miles but add lots of walking breaks in there so to finish 45 miles in around 10 hours. I think not having had any sleep the night before made it harder too.

I lost count of the number of people who shouted "you are going the wrong way". We saw a guy coming the other way who was doing the marathon 5 times. Not sure how he planned on doing that as he would have ended up at the end when it started.

There seemed to be some significant climbs heading into Greenwich which probably explains why people go so fast at the start going down them. By now the water stations were fully functional and waiting for the race to start in a couple of hours time.

It's amazing just what in event this is. Unlike other events this closes down one of the worlds biggest cities to stage this event. It is awesome to see just how many lorries full of water, energy drink, fences, cones etc are needed to make every single miles of this race. Glad I was not running the other way though.

We got to the start bang on 8, bang on target. I felt really quite knackered, more so than I would usually after doing the same much faster. I was really pleased to have got up. We said goodbye to Robin who was later on the TV and we walked through the starting areas. Ha ha ha these chumps have not even run a marathon yet today. Robin and the start line we were not allowed to cross

We got more of the "you are going the wrong way" remarks as we left the starting area to leave.

I spent the afternoon handing out water at the 20 mile water station. I was tired and though it does not sound like it handing out water is quite exhausting. I've done it a few times and trying to stay focussed while zombified runners stagger over and take water or miss you completely. It is great to be involved in this race. I take the piss out of it quite a lot but I wished I was there running.

And then off to the pub. I did well to stay awake so long, call it training. I'll need this kind of endurance. It was really great fun to run the London Marathon in reverse, great to meet Robin (and his book is really really good so I suggest you buy it) and made me think about why I run? While sat outside a pub on a hot afternoon with a MASSIVE calorie deficit to deal with I couldn't quite figure it out...

A Guide to Marathon Awesomeness

Something I made for Ben's birthday to help him in his next marathon.

Note this is not actually "The" Ian Sharman. 

A GUIDE TO MARATHON AWESOMENESS

By Ian Sharman

Hi I’m Ian Sharman, but you can call be Sir Awesomealot. You may remember me from such classics as “Sir Awesomeness slays the Racoon”, “Ian Sharmanates the Luton 3” and my less known classic “When in Rome…”

I’m here today to show you how to achieve Marathon greatness by staying focused and avoiding the common mistakes made by your peers. Let me tell you, I’ve seen some dicks in my time.

I will then will give you a mile by mile guide of how to run a sub 2.50 marathon, and I should know, I have run over 27 of them, often in a silly costume.

I shall conclude by mocking your efforts whatever the outcome.

Firstly, here are some common pit-falls that have beset some of your Serpie Colleagues.

Bampfishing – Not being able to compete in the marathon because of a faulty boiler at home. Ensure all of your plumbing is insured and serviced within 2 months of marathon day.

Taylording – Banging on and on about how you are going win, magnified by power of 10 stalking only to be overtaken by a girl on race day.  Avoid power of 10, it’s gay.

Copasing (Level 1) – Setting out too fast and blowing up. One minute you look as if you are miles ahead and the next you are being trodden on my the competition.

Copasing (Level 2) – Going the wrong way. This is almost impossible in a busy city road marathon but it has been known to happen 3 times in the UK in the past few years. To the same guy. What are the odds?

Copasing (Meltdown) – A combination of Level 1 and Level 2 Copasing result in a meltdown where you have to get escorted from the course on a stretcher. The photos of this disaster will be uploaded onto Facebook and make you look like an idiot forever.

Theoing – Shoes generally come in two varieties; Left and Right. The way to tell is to place them side by side on the ground. They should curve toward each other. If they curve in the same direction then you have made a mistake. Remember to take one of each to the race, preferable both being the same brand.

Wilcoxing – Generally running like a twat. Avoid

Paynusing – Running around with a headband because you have girl’s hair.

Westawaying – Slightly stupider than a Theoing, turning up to the event without any shoes to run in.

Braleying – Demanding your own private portloo in someone’s house. This just eats into your time and you have to remember their address to send them an apology.

Hooing – Deciding after 20 miles that you can’t be arsed anymore and getting a cab. Call Argent Taxi’s on 01789 294436 

Centibelling – Wear comfy shoes to avoid the agony of de feat. Don’t start off too fast, it will be better in the long run, don’t create a scene in the Shakespeare marathon or you may be bard.

The Marathon*

OK, obviously I don’t mean “The” Marathon, that one is way too hard for you.  Perhaps if you run this marathon well you may be able to tackle “The” Marathon. Maybe.

OK, you are at the start line. It looks busy doesn’t it? These people around you are the enemy. They are to be destroyed at all costs. Psyche out your opposition early on by;

• Doing some really weird stretches that no one has ever seen before
• Putting your Garmin around your ankle
• Going up to people and saying “well obviously you know who I am, what is your name?”
• Gregorian Chanting

First few miles – You should take these easy, remember the test is whether you can hold a conversation. Try this – run alongside another runner and say “yes I am well trained for this event, I intend to take this easy and jog 2.45 averaging 6.20 minute miles with my heart rate averaging 120 beats per minute and my cadence staying at 90 so to prove my awesomeness”. If you can say all that without struggling then you have got the correct pace. Also they will get bored and run off too fast and will blow up. More meat for later…

Mile 5 – You should be soaking up the occasion. The crowd will be full of useful wisdom such as “keep going”. I can’t imagine being able to run without being reminded of that every 36 seconds. Also if you are wearing your Serpie top you will no doubt come across many people shouting “Do you know James Adams?” Ignore these people, they are idiots.

Mile 7.2 – Congratulations, you have just run 3 parks. Only 19 miles to go. Sounds easy when you put it like that doesn’t it? No? Bugger. Now you’ve got it stuck in your head and can’t get it out can you? Shit, 19 miles is a long way. OK, try some simple visualisation techniques to get you out of this slump.

Mile 8 – Imagine you have just jogged back to the Seymour Centre. You float down the corridors and enter a room that smells of cheese. Let the smell of cheese carry you on.

Mile 9 – You enter a room full of naked men. One of them is drying his nuts in the hair dryer. Another is flossing his vigorously with a towel.

Mile 10 – You are now in the shower. You are cleansing yourself of all the pain that running has caused. Feel uplifted by the lemony smell of your body getting massaged by the water. Don’t look at the guy who is breaking all the rules by bending down and touching his toes in the shower. Try not to think about it too much. Seriously stop it.

Mile 13.1 – Half way there. Whooo Whoah, livin on a prayer. SING IT

Mile 16 – This is when it starts to get hard now. Your body has switched from carb burning to fat burning , or to put it more scientifically it has gone from burning Jelly Babies to burning Kebabs. Bet you wished you’d followed the Adams diet now.

Mile 19 – Only three parks to go. Repeat all that visualisation from earlier.

Mile 23 – You can relax in the knowledge that if I was running this marathon I would have finished by now.

Mile 25 – Seems to take longer to some doesn’t it? Don’t worry. By now I would have completed 2 interviews, had a recovery drink and emailed my result and race report to the Serpies website. I would also have updated facebook to say that I ran in an awesome time without really trying very hard.

Mile 26 – In the olden days you would have reached the finish line by now, but because of some fat lazy King of England in 1908 an extra 385 yards were added to the distance so he did not have to get off his fat arse to cheer the winners of the race. By the time you have thought of all this though you will have run those 385 yards and finished the race.

26.2 – The most important thing to remember here is that you should completely ruin your finisher’s photo by faffing with your Garmin. DO NOT look ahead, smile, wave your arms in the air in victory as this may add 1.3 seconds to your watch time.

So there you have it. How to run an awesome marathon. Hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed being awesome. Remember if everything falls apart then you can always become one of those “it’s the taking part that counts” people.

Smash It Guide to Triathlon Nutrition

I made this as a birthday present for a friend and occasional Triathlete a while ago.

Smash It Nutrition Guide

Smash It (TM) the revolutionary new fuel source from that is going to set Heart Rates racing - Like OH MY GOD! Based on some dodgy science, words that mean nothing and then a cavalier use of percentages this superfuel will increase your ability to Smash It by 57%. Guaranteed!![1].

Pointless Comparison Table

	SMASH IT	Leading Brand Detergent
Easy to Stomach	Yes	Not Advised
Essential Minerals	Yes	Unlikely
Part of your 5 a day?	Pending[2]	No
Available in most supermarkets?	Yes	Yes
Dual use – Is a source of nutrition AND can wash your clothes	Yes	No
Harnesses the unique power of the potato?	Yes	Don’t Know
Something Else that is ultimately Pointless?	YES	NO

Don't end up like this dick. Choose SMASH IT!

In the beginning..

Based in nature we searched high and low for the worlds fittest hardest and downright coolest animal. We considered the Lion and Tiger, appraised the antelope and probed into the penguin. We tested the Rhino, looked up a Horse, the Giraffe was gay and obviously we didn’t forget the Elephant. But out of the animal testing zoo one animal stood alone.

The Elephant could only look on, wheezing through it’s big long snorkel nose as watched his competitor smashing it through the water with the grace of a dolphin. The Dolphin (who was really shit on the bike) looked in awe as his black and white furry rival peddled with supreme cadence to destroy the otters. The Lion nearly choked on his penguin when the invincible leader asked for the speed to be increased as he smashed it up on the treadmill. And who was this mysterious beast? Why it was the Badger of course. And what is a Badgers favourite food? Well, EVERYBODY KNOWS that….

Testimonies

“I was seriously faltering in the marathon stage. I was so smashed at T2 that I forgot to switch my Garmin from “Bike” to “Run” and my carefully programmed heart rate zones were all over the place, like my own drunken dancing I can vaguely remember from the days when I use to go out with people. One mouthful of Smash It’s creamy white goodness and I was off like a rocket, smashing it through the last 10 miles and Smashed a new PB! (12.43, Swim 1.27, T1 1.16, Bike 7.22, T2 2.32, Run 3.55, AHR 134, HRMax 178)”

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Smash It!

“I was once a slow fat long distance runner with a succession of crap times and a nauseating need to be the centre of attention. I introduced Smash It into my training programme (after of course I introduced a training programme) and never looked back. I completed my first Ironman as was ranked 17th in my category of Male, 25-34 from the London Borough of Ealing with Athsma). Results like that speak for themselves, now I don’t care about the need for attention, I am AWESOME. GO SMASH IT!!!”

“Got up at 4. Had Smash It at 4.30. Was at the start by 5. Read my blog for the continuation of this epic story”.

AeroBowl

At £249.99 for 87g this piece of kit is officially worth it’s weight in diamond. We would never think to introduce a product unless it gave you the opportunity to spend the huge amounts of money other people usually use for Christmas gifts. The Aerobowl is specifically designed for high speed mashed potato eating. It’s shape accellerates the air around it, creating a vacuum just beneath the bowl and pulling you forward further. And you can eat Smash It from it. For an extra £89.95 you can buy the heating funnel attachment, place it on the front of the bowl and after just 300k of cycling the top of your Smash It mashed potato will be toasted and crispy, just like a shepherds pie.

Coming soon – The Magic Placebo Head Band. A headband that improves your brain thinkability by 88%.

Well obviously it works. Just look at this graph.

SMASH IT for GIRLS

As you know, triathlon was invented in 1983 as a way to get girls into sport. It worked a treat. At Ironman Bolton there were at least 1000 pairs of well shaven smooth legs and pert bottoms lining up at the start. It was a wonderful sight.

Our scienticians have proved that if you wrap the same thing up in pink, add some folic acid and patronise them about their “busy” lives and “unique” nutritional needs then Girls will buy 2.7 times as much of anything. We acted on this research to develop “SMASH IT GIRL”, the lastest Smash It product specifically formulated for your unique nutritional needs and busy lifestyles.

Another innovation in the Smash It range is Smash It On The Go - where we sell much smaller quantities of the same thing for not much discount, allowing the good people at Smash It to develop yet more things for you to buy.

A Girl
Now, I know what you are all thinking. It’s every girl’s worst nightmare. “What if you are coming out of a lift and you bump into the man of your dreams he asked to borrow a pen and in haste you reach into your bag and the contents spill everywhere, including your Smash It On The Go sachets? I think a man would be intimidated by the revelation that I use high performance Triathlon Nutrition. He’d probably run away and end up getting off with that fat Sophie from procurement who spent weeks on end banging on and on about a race for life 5k she walked in 57 minutes. Bitch”.

Don’t panic! Step out of Zone 5b and back into 3. We had a genius idea that will solve this problem. We made them look just like tampons! Problem solved. No men ever get intimidated by those things.

“I am a Girl which means I’m never going to understand all this complimacated science stuff, but the little sachets are SOOOO CUTE.” – A Girl

SO what are you waiting for? Get off your arse and go out and SMASH IT!!!![3]

 

---

[1] Please contact your club triathlon rep for details of the guarantee

[2] Those damn bureaucrats in Brussels are adamant that the potato is not a fruit or vegetable. This is clearly bollocks and we are going to sue them as soon as we have won the various lawsuits filed against us.

[3] Please consult your training spreadsheet before leaving the house.